9 pounds from my goal of 50 pounds by Thanksgiving.  I wonder if I will make it.  I should be thinking about some sort of reward; maybe the president or someone important will call and congratulate me.  I can only hope (crosses fingers and toes -- Ouch!).  Thanksgiving won't be much this year as both Tina and I are on diets but the child wants a full turkey and the dressings'.  We are planning to go and see the Baylor/Tech Game that Saturday as a family at the new Texas Stadium.  Well, I say new because that's how everyone refers to it; it’s been around for a couple of years.

I see all my friends in New England fared well through Sandy; I am happy for you all.  Still would like to hear from some of you as to how specifically how you are and you know who you are.  I am getting ready for the December trip will probably at this point be spending most of it on my own just kicking about in New England seeing old haunts.  I guess I got a lot of thinking to do then.  It will give me a chance to feel the cold weather up close and personal again.  Maybe this old man might not want to get back into the cold; don't know, I know I hate the Texas summer heat and the endless non-season seasons.  (If that makes sense to anyone.)

I have been looking at jobs back in the major cities of New England and have sent a few resumes off but I think the big move is pushed off for at least a year (big sigh!).  I also have been learning new programming skills; I have an idea for a new social media site.  (Yeah, I know you've heard that before.)  Still keeping my mind busy to keep out of the doubts and let-downs.

Not much to say but it has been a long week with only one highlight and that was Saturday morning when I stepped on the scale at the gym and it read 281.8.  I am sticking to the diet, well not really a diet, just cut back (way back) on the amount of intake.  The food isn't the hard part; I am eating just about anything I want at this point just in small amounts.  I have limited myself to about 1200 calories a day, usually less.  The exercise was the problem, getting to the gym and now that has changed.  They opened the pool back up this morning at the gym close by me.  So now, I will be returning to the morning and night routines. 

I think the big problem with losing weight is the time it takes.  You only see a little bit at a time and that can be very depressing.  It's hard to see the changes in one's own body without really looking because you see yourself every day and the little changes just slip in.  Its only when you closely exam or think about the things one can do now like moving this way or that or seeing your toes do you get a sense of change.  I guess that's why a number of the books suggest taking pictures along the way.  (Gee and here I was taking pictures of the scenery!)  The exercise is hard only because of the aches and pains that comes with it but I keep telling myself it will get better and that I am just that a little closer to the end, the payoff, the reward, a thinner me.  That's what you have to keep telling yourself; well that's what I tell myself.  I do this for myself, so that I can be free to do as I please like riding roller coasts or scuba diving.  Yes, I would like to learn how to scuba dive.  I know I can do it; I set myself out to learn to dance and I did that.  Granted I don't dance that well but I do enjoy it. 


Other notes for today: I am still at 2 minutes 30 seconds for the elliptical; I swear I will get to 30 minutes some day on that son-of-a-bitch!  I worked on the second quilt last night and wasn't happy with the results.  I have to get that done by this weekend.

Working from home today.  Bad day for my nose and head, Texas allergies are kicking my ass.  God I hate Texas!  Little to no sleep last night as I was trying to wrestle my own weak mind.  I did get up at 3:45 and go to the gym, walk and swim as usual.  I am trying to stay focused on the simple task of losing weight and not let my mind wander onto other topics that plague me right now.  No solutions for those other issues at the moment so its best just to let them stew until I am stronger or ready to deal with them.

I can see a difference in my belly (I know gross for most of you) but  I can see the difference almost 40 pounds has made.  It does give me hope for a thinner me.  I am very anxious for it but I know it will take time.  Time is all I got well, at least that's what it seems like.

We had dance class last night and we started the Swing dance (God I don't like it!)  It rates up there with the Cha Cha in step difficulty specially the double turns...step forward, rock back, turn the lady, step forward, rock back, step forward, take her back for another turn, rock back, step forward and dance together.  Seems easy enough, just try doing it FAST! and with all the hand motions.  I was confused, I think I got worse as I danced more! We did end the class with a Tango which made me feel better about the evening.  I just hate the small room and the constant turning when Tangoing.  Elaine was inviting everyone to a Swing dance on Sunday but I think we are opting out, not ready for swing and I got a quilt to finish ASAP.  This quilt is taking longer as I have to press every seam I sew before working on the next and there are 280 pieces.  Yike! Once I get them all together in to the columns then the process should speed up.  Still not looking forward to Tina's quilt with the trapezoids but it will get done.  I am trying to keep myself busy and be productive with those things I like or liked to do.

Oh, the number for today is 282.6  yup skipped over another number.  I like when I do that makes me want to skip and jump for joy.  My small goal is 280 and its just around the corner.  My bigger goal is 50 pounds before Thanksgiving, what do you think, think I will do it?

284.6 this morning.  I am steadily making my way down again.  I noticed that my post a few days ago which was not a good one had a high view count and yesterday's bounce back had a very low count.  Are people more interested in reading the misery than the feel goods?  I certainly have misery in my life but I think everyone does, or at least we perceive we do.  My life isn't as bad as I think; it’s just not as I want it to be.  I think that's the case for most people.  We want so much for ourselves and yet we can't be happy with the little we are given.  Why?  That's a good question and I have been asking myself that for a while now.  Why do I feel the way I do?  Why do I hang onto the past?  Why can't I be happy with what I have been given?  I know the answers to a few of the other questions I asked myself and have been trying to act upon on them.  We have to be honest with ourselves and others.  But sometimes that honesty can get us into trouble.  I often speak before I think things through and other times I think things through way too much.  I have to find that middle ground.

Tina asked me last night "how does one live with a broken heart?"  I wasn't sure how to answer that and thought about it all last night and this morning.  I think you just do, you have to give yourself some hope, hope that things will get better.  Hope is the key to keeping one going through anything.  My hope, well, is that at the end of this journey I will find happiness, self-acceptance, and maybe one of my dreams will come true.  (Probably not but I can hope one does.)  That's what keeps me going now.  I set myself some big goals, just a few.  The first goal is to lose the weight.  The second is to find happiness.  The third goal is to move back to New England.  I set smaller ones in each of the three to help.  For the weight loss I set small goals like reaching each 10 pound increments, as well as getting my time up on the elliptical which I did 2 minutes 30 seconds (don't laugh you hardcore elliptical users, I do that after a 30 minute walk).  The happiness, I am trying to accomplish things I use to find joy in like the writing and quilting.   I do plan to try other things to see if they give me joy.  The dancing while hard right now seems to be a lot of fun; I'll admit I am not the greatest at it but it does put a smile on my face.

Yeah, I know I rambled today; lots going through my head this morning and just had to write them down.  I still wonder why the viewing count was so high for that depressing blog.

Well I am back on the treadmill of life; doing that endless walk to thinnerness.  (Is that a word?)  I got a little pep talk from a friend about not giving up.  That this is about me and FOR me.  That the reward or payoff at the end will be something, who knows what but there will be something there.  There will be at least a thinner happier healthier me at the end.  Trust me it's still hard with all the aches and pains I feel, especially in my back.  I know one payoff I pray for is that the backaches will stop.  I'll probably need a few more pep talks before this journey is done.  I was up and out the door by 4am and on the treadmill in short time.  I even did 2 minutes and 15 seconds on the elliptical.  (Yup, I am still braving that one.)  Was nice in the pool; it really helps my back and burns the calories.  I suggest to anyone wanting to lose weight that swimming is a great way to burn calories.  Yes, I am told you do sweat while swimming. 

I finished one quilt and will take it to a long arm quilter this Saturday for her to put it all together for me.  She says she can have it ready by the end of November.  I started working on the second quilt and I am going to rush that one as I hope she can get it done for my trip.  The third quilt which is for Tina will take some time; she really gave me a challenge on that one.  It's a mini Texas Star style, trapezoids and fussy angles.

Well I hit the wall.  It has been a crappy week+, from extreme fights, to losing a friendship, to having to drive 25 minutes to the gym at off hours.  I am losing the will to go on with this journey.  I can't see the end anymore, can't see why i am doing this anymore.  It's damn hard and my body aches in places i didn't know I had.  My mind works against me.   Why did i even listen or give a sh*t about this journey?  There is no reward at the end, no payoff, nothing that matters to me anymore.  I need some words of encouragement, something.  write me (mrwertgumby@aol.com), call me (4694419755), send me a telegram (ask for the address).

Last night we had dance class, we added a few more steps to the Waltz and we learned the Foxtrot basic steps.  Yes, we did TANGO!  I even got to tango with Elaine the teacher, I did well; she didn't have to correct me at all and we did do some passing in the fast lane.  I don't like the constant turning in the small room; have to work on my signals to the partner as to when I am making a slight adjustment to the direction of the dance.  Guess it takes time and practice with a partner to get the flow down.  The foxtrot steps still confused me; I will be dancing them in the halls (No peeking!).

I found I need to leave the gym by 6:15am to just beat the traffic which means getting up at 3:15am and out the door by 4.  I can't wait for the pool to be fixed at my gym, still got 2 weeks for it. 

Finished another rag quilt yesterday and this one looks really beautiful, the fraying came out better than expected for a first time wash.  The person getting this quilt will be really happy with it; can't say who because it's a Christmas present.  I do have to do the label for it and my pirate and the others I am working on.  Keep my mind busy and from wandering where it shouldn't be.  I will be writing the instructions down with pictures for the rag quilts.  I keep forgetting those little things I found helpful in making them as well as the measurements. 

I know most are bored with this blog by now.  At the rate I am going with the weight I figure I got about 8 or 9 months before I hit my final goal of more than the original 150.  I think by this Christmas I will be half way through that 150.