Once again I restart the journey.  This time I am determined but know my back's limits.  I am swimming every other day at this time and seems to be tolerable.  I wont make these entries public public until I have gotten back into groove for sure.  I would like to start walking again in the evenings and will do that around the neighborhood instead of trying to fight the crowds at the gym in the evenings.  Hopefully it will help calm my blood pressure.  Went to the doctors today and its through the roof.  Ain't surprised at that.  Finally made the watermelon Feta salad I like from BJ's.  I didn't get the mint but its still good.  I have to remember to go lightly on the vinaigrette and to not put the watermelon and feta in until its served.

Boy my typing sucks right now; got cold fingers and chest.  Seems to be a constant problem now.  Not sure why, probably the meds.  I want to lose 120 pounds to complete it.  Yes I gained back some weight over the past 3 months of not exercising and stressing.  I will push myself with the watching what goes in my piehole and will build up on the swimming and walking again.  I am keeping myself busy so the mind doesn't wander where it can't be.

The work on the quilt stuff is moving slowly but it is moving in a forward direction.  I need to step it on the website and just take chances, I am too damn cautious about it.  The whole shipping costs has me worried and reluctant.

My writing has stopped, just hit a wall there.  I guess it will come back when my mind is less stressed.  I have been cross-stitching more as well as quilting.  I would love to share some of the quilts but I can't as they are designs we are hoping to sell on the website for the twister tools.  You can google "Quilt Twister Tool Patterns" and see what I am talking about.  I have about 40 different designs I need to create in fabric before I can even attempt to sell them off the Loves Creations website.  Wow, that was a mess; trying to get the .com for Loves but we ended up with a .net instead. 

It's been a week since I got to New England and I did do my good memory collecting.  I met with some old friends and laughed and remembered.  I went back to Mansfield and saw the house I grew up in and the trees were gone.  The one the front I use to climb and sit in for hours.  The house was the same and the garage I rode on for some funny pictures was still there.  Lots of good times came back.

I thought I would come up here and see the places I was once happy at and remember for one last time and maybe hopefully I would or could regain my smile, my old self.  Funny thing is I did.  I did feel my old self, I laughed, giggled, smiled and was very happy and it was in an unexpected place and with an unexpected person.  I am grateful for that one last smile, warmed my heart.  I want more, oh so much more of that.  But all things must come to an end.

Tomorrow I am going to the spot I have reflected upon in my head for years.  I will visit it one last time and wait.  Wait for the hand of God so I can ask him why he showed me such happiness several times only to take them away quickly.  Tonight I will drink and celebrate life for who knows what tomorrow brings.  I am sorry to those whom I have offended in the past and to those whom I will offend.  Forgive me, I am but a man with a broken heart with questions for God.  Happiness and good will to all.

Yeah!  I got my ass up this morning and to the gym!  I did my swim but it was hard let me tell you.  I am hurting in my back and shoulders.  I am pushing through the pain to get this started again and done.  I got an early Christmas present from Tina and Tesia.  They gave me scuba lessons at a local dive shop.  I have always wanted to learn to dive.   In my college days I was way too poor to take the lessons and after that the first wife had a rule "if it didn't have to do with horses it wasn't in the budget" then I got to fat.  I had been talking about learning since Tina and I started doing the cruises especially after doing a helmet dive in Jamaica.  She is interested in learning as well and we both want to Caribbean waters, mostly Cozumel (our favorite place to go).  I have to decide when would be a good time to reward myself with it, after the full 100+ I still got to go or when I hit 200.  Something to think about in the pool.  I do a lot of thinking while swimming, gets my mind off the pain sometimes.

Been a while since I blogged.  I stopped because every time I did someone was upset at my words or lack of certain words.  I will try to stay away from the emotions and the desires but I can't promise I won't slip.  I went swimming this morning and boy my back is on fire.  I have to work through this pain and continue with the exercise.  I have to get back on track and drop the remaining 100+.  I made a promise to myself and I did feel very good at accomplishing the loss of that first 50 or so.  If I don't do this I need someone to come down here and kick my ass.

I have picked up a few books to help with my mental state.  The first book I am reading right now is "You can be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson, PH.D.  I stumbled upon it while at Half Price Bookstore looking for books on the inner child concept.  (Yup, still working on that.  I guess I need help bad.)

My trip to Boston is still on.  I am looking forward to visiting Mansfield and Biddeford Pool.  I know I need to spend some time at the beach where I found my happiness while I was at college.  That is where I go when I go to my happy place in my head.  I need to recharge that memory so I can draw strength from that happy place in my head again.

I know success is one thing that has brought me happiness in the past.  Success in completing a major task, well something I considered major.  I know that I did feel a little happiness at the weight loss so I am going to continue that and I have started a number of projects that I stalled on.  I need to feel the success from within, not from without.  I need to pat myself on the back and feel good from that and not look to others to give me the praise.  Although praise from others is good and does make one feel awfully great but you have to really depend upon one's self for the good feelings, that happiness, that feeling of success.  I have to stop waiting for my mom to tell me I did a great job because it's not going to happen. 

Enough of that.  I am going to be happy.  I am going to be thin.  I will complete this journey (even if it kills me)!  Read this or not doesn't matter to me.  I write this for myself not for anyone else.

Day before Thanksgiving and I failed.  I hit 276, four pounds shy of my goal.  Guess its OK, nothing else with this journey seems to be coming through for me; like I was really going to get a call from the president or someone special when I lost that 50 pounds.  I haven't been swimming much or even walking due to my back hurting so badly.  (Even have a large bulge near the spine.)  Went to the doctor's on Monday and he prescribed meds for it and my shoulders.  I am just falling apart now.  I did get some good news today on my blood work, my numbers are way way down and are looking really great.  My blood pressure went up but hey, so did the stress.  I went for a swim yesterday and I nearly broke down crying in the pool after 30 minutes my shoulders hurt so bad.  This is depressing on top of the other crap that has happened along this journey.  I just shake my head and wonder why god is messing with me so bad.  Gives me inspiration and the will to do this and then the pain when I am getting into the grove of it.  Can someone explain this to me? 

I am still going to Boston but now I have lost my plans for anything I was going to do.  WOW.  I am a mess. 

Well, after a long time of being lazy I went swimming this morning.  I am going to try and get back on the horse again.  This self-pity crap has got to stop.  Sure I lost a few important things along the way but I have to keep going for myself no matter what may or may not be at the end.  I know one thing will be at the end of this journey, a thinner me and I should be happy for just that.  One good thing through this bad time was that I didn't eat myself into passiveness or numbness.  Nope, I stayed with the diet and didn't have any cravings, well that may be due to the lack of appetite I had.  Lucky me.
The inner child still isn't talking to me.  I have tried a few times to get in touch with him but still having a hard time wrapping my head around that concept or ability to find him. I have found my quiet peaceful spot, its low tide on a beach on the Maine coast.  I remembered it.  It was one I visited when I was in college; it gave me peace and strength.
I dropped the two quilts off at the long-armer this past weekend.  She says they should be done by the 7th and should give me time to add the labels if they ever come.  Tina has changed her mind on her quilt and now it has become bigger and brighter, more colors.  It’s still a lone star or what they call a Starlight Express except instead of a 2 by 2 it’s now a 2 by 3 and will fit the bed.  I've got a few other quilts to work on in the meantime while she is gathering the fabric for our own fabric stash.  (I should write that fabric stash program to organize the stash.)
I see there are just a few who are still reading this, I wonder who. I am on a small drive to do those 5 pounds before Thanksgiving to meet that goal I set back a month or so ago to drop 50 before it.  Wish me luck.

Been a quiet weekend and few days.  I haven't posted and probably will not be posting much as it upsets Tina when I do.  I doubt anyone is really reading this, especially when I don't link it to FB.  I am just recording this as I have not been to the gym in a number of days, just so damn depressed and my back hurts more than ever.  Tina says she can see the muscle extended up the right side of my spine like an arm under the skin.  With all that in mind I still have been not eating as much, lost my appetite which is a good thing.  I weighed myself this morning and I was 279, dropped 2 pounds in the last 2 days. I had to get on the scale 3 times to be sure.

My head has been in a strange place since Monday's therapy session; started to work on my inner child.  She had me go through and try to connect to my inner child and well he ain't saying shit to me.  Guess I lost that child as well.  I also have been doing a lot of thinking about my idea for a new website.  Don't have the full technical and business sense to pull it off right now.  It's a big project and really would like to see it done.  I know another great idea that will probably go nowhere, how depressing is that?  I have reread several notes from friends on hanging in there from a few weeks ago to help me get out of this funk; they are keeping my head above water at this point.  I need a kick in the ass.  I really do.  I still care about the journey and completing it just have to find a good motivation for it right now.  I am about 6 pounds from the 50 mark, a third of the way through it all.

I got a phone interview with Travelers Insurance in Hartford today.  I hope that goes well.  I had one with BioClinica on Monday and haven't heard a word back, guess that didn't go well.  I'll keep looking at jobs back in New England.  I am working on learning ASP.NET MVC.