Please don't read if you are easily offended by my perceived selfishness or darkness.  I wrote this because I needed to get it out for me.  I wrote this for me and only me.  I need to have this there for me to read maybe in 2 months, or 5.  Who knows I just feel I need to say this now so I am reminded then as to how I am thinking now.  Confused?  So am I.

Every day is a new day and I try to approach them as that.  But I forget that I am not alone in this world and must be careful of my actions, both taken and not taken.  Everything we do and don't do has a ripple effect upon not just our own life but those around us whether we like it or not.  I have been wrestling with the battle between responsibility and self-happiness.  Which is more important?  Which does one adhere to?  Which one will win?  My journey started because of fear and a desire in me that wasn’t my own and still part of it isn’t me or at least that’s how it feels.  Yes, I tried to add to that drive and thought I could further help my cause by placing other things in my path, carrots on a strings, but they are mere illusions, fantasies, pipe dreams.  Without dreams there is no hope and for this type of journey and one needs hope, a payoff at the end or else what’s the point?  Can someone tell me the answer to that? 

I got up this morning as usual and did my thing like I have been since August 6th and today I feel as though I am just going through the motions.  I have tried to add more to my life but I am accused of doing it for the wrong reason or a misplaced reason.  Maybe I am, maybe I am not.  I don't know.  I just know I can't do it for the reasons that I feel are not in my heart at this time.  I have to be honest with myself even if it pisses off those around me.  This journey is hard, very hard.  It is a complete change of life style and can only be accomplished with the right frame of mind, my own frame of mind.  I am the one doing it, I am the one feeling the pain in my body, I am the only one who can do this.  So why shouldn't I be the one to pick the reason for doing this?  The motivation is the key to continuing, that is the real secret I have learn these past 2 months.  I snorted then at my own pride in thinking I am so smart.  I know, who am I to make this statement, only recently have I really put forth the effort to do something about my weight and life I don’t have a degree in psychology or weight loss.  I am just a fat person who reached a point in his life where I don't want to be fat anymore.  I want more from life, from myself, and for myself.  The only one who can make this truly happen is myself and I need to have a reason, a reason that is so personal that it may even seem like it's selfish.  I still hold to the belief that the rewards both small and great should be self-picked despite who doesn’t like them. 

This is hard; don't be fooled by the little man behind the curtain.  This journey has to be wanted, craved, desired for it to really work.  Failure can't be an option and I mean failure in a big way, of just giving up and not getting there.  Small slips can happen; luckily I haven’t had any yet.  (Note the little word YET, yup, I do expect to have slip ups.  I pray I don’t but I do expect them as I am only human after all.)  I don't know where I will be at the end of this journey but I know I will be thin there.  I will probably has lost everything I have now but I don't value those things I have now because I don't value myself.  I am building value in myself; I see I am able to do this, able to make the change, able to stick with this hard work.  I do want a better life and I hope, no, I know I will have one when this is done.  Tomorrow I start therapy for my anger and misplaced love.  I know I will have to lose both; I will have to learn to live without either, one I want to lose the other I am afraid to lose.  Some things in life are very hard to do but all must be done.  Hopefully I will find true happiness when it all said and done.