It's been a week since I got to New England and I did do my good memory collecting.  I met with some old friends and laughed and remembered.  I went back to Mansfield and saw the house I grew up in and the trees were gone.  The one the front I use to climb and sit in for hours.  The house was the same and the garage I rode on for some funny pictures was still there.  Lots of good times came back.

I thought I would come up here and see the places I was once happy at and remember for one last time and maybe hopefully I would or could regain my smile, my old self.  Funny thing is I did.  I did feel my old self, I laughed, giggled, smiled and was very happy and it was in an unexpected place and with an unexpected person.  I am grateful for that one last smile, warmed my heart.  I want more, oh so much more of that.  But all things must come to an end.

Tomorrow I am going to the spot I have reflected upon in my head for years.  I will visit it one last time and wait.  Wait for the hand of God so I can ask him why he showed me such happiness several times only to take them away quickly.  Tonight I will drink and celebrate life for who knows what tomorrow brings.  I am sorry to those whom I have offended in the past and to those whom I will offend.  Forgive me, I am but a man with a broken heart with questions for God.  Happiness and good will to all.

Yeah!  I got my ass up this morning and to the gym!  I did my swim but it was hard let me tell you.  I am hurting in my back and shoulders.  I am pushing through the pain to get this started again and done.  I got an early Christmas present from Tina and Tesia.  They gave me scuba lessons at a local dive shop.  I have always wanted to learn to dive.   In my college days I was way too poor to take the lessons and after that the first wife had a rule "if it didn't have to do with horses it wasn't in the budget" then I got to fat.  I had been talking about learning since Tina and I started doing the cruises especially after doing a helmet dive in Jamaica.  She is interested in learning as well and we both want to Caribbean waters, mostly Cozumel (our favorite place to go).  I have to decide when would be a good time to reward myself with it, after the full 100+ I still got to go or when I hit 200.  Something to think about in the pool.  I do a lot of thinking while swimming, gets my mind off the pain sometimes.

Been a while since I blogged.  I stopped because every time I did someone was upset at my words or lack of certain words.  I will try to stay away from the emotions and the desires but I can't promise I won't slip.  I went swimming this morning and boy my back is on fire.  I have to work through this pain and continue with the exercise.  I have to get back on track and drop the remaining 100+.  I made a promise to myself and I did feel very good at accomplishing the loss of that first 50 or so.  If I don't do this I need someone to come down here and kick my ass.

I have picked up a few books to help with my mental state.  The first book I am reading right now is "You can be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson, PH.D.  I stumbled upon it while at Half Price Bookstore looking for books on the inner child concept.  (Yup, still working on that.  I guess I need help bad.)

My trip to Boston is still on.  I am looking forward to visiting Mansfield and Biddeford Pool.  I know I need to spend some time at the beach where I found my happiness while I was at college.  That is where I go when I go to my happy place in my head.  I need to recharge that memory so I can draw strength from that happy place in my head again.

I know success is one thing that has brought me happiness in the past.  Success in completing a major task, well something I considered major.  I know that I did feel a little happiness at the weight loss so I am going to continue that and I have started a number of projects that I stalled on.  I need to feel the success from within, not from without.  I need to pat myself on the back and feel good from that and not look to others to give me the praise.  Although praise from others is good and does make one feel awfully great but you have to really depend upon one's self for the good feelings, that happiness, that feeling of success.  I have to stop waiting for my mom to tell me I did a great job because it's not going to happen. 

Enough of that.  I am going to be happy.  I am going to be thin.  I will complete this journey (even if it kills me)!  Read this or not doesn't matter to me.  I write this for myself not for anyone else.