We went to the gym last night.  I walked for 20 minutes and swam for an hour in the nice long long pool.  (Was good not to have to keep turning.)  Tina walked for 64 minutes, she was very pleased.  I reached a plateau, 309.6.  I am not letting it get to me, I am still in driving mode, walked and swam this morning even after having woken to a 50 blood sugar.  Got to keep in there, got so far to go.  Got things to get done and places to go.   I do feel a difference in my body.  I feel thinner than a few weeks ago, I know that may sound silly but I do.  I have a little more spring in my step and my legs don't hurt by the time the walk is done. 

I started that list of things I know are helping me stay on course.  If you got any suggestions please send them my way.  Thanks.

Had to rush home to let the pool dude in to replace the pump on the pool.  Its the fourth one we've had on this pool.

I got the website started.  I redid my WertPGumby.com website.  It's just a start.

This seems to be getting depressing.  I am sorry.  I will change that.  I awoke this morning with new vigor to my personal journey.  I have been thinking about how to get the most out of what I am doing with the weight loss.  I am averaging about half a pound a day and would like to see more.  I so want to be at the end of my journey, that prize, that reward, that life that awaits for me on the other side of this fat path.  It seems so far away I sometimes wonder if I will ever make it. But that desire, yearning, craving, I don't know what to call it, still resides deep within me.  I feel it like a little thing in the pit of my tummy.

I wish I had this a decade ago, or two, but it is here now and I am thankful for that or else I would not have the strength or will power to do this.  I honestly believe for anyone to make this hard journey it must be for something so personal that it may seem selfish.  It’s the motivation, the reason, the cause that I have read in many articles about weight loss that makes the difference.  So, I say if you are wanting to make this hard journey, and it is hard, you have to look within yourself and find a reason for you and you alone to do this.  You can't do this for anyone else, it has to be for yourself, that way you won’t feel the need to cheat or give up.  I still believe the rewards along the way also must be selfish in nature to help you want to reach those little mile markers.  I haven't set any smaller goals/rewards as of yet and I should as I will be pass the 300 mark soon.  I know that may sound like not a major deal but it is, at least to me.

We got that gym membership last night, Lifetime Fitness.  They were having a special.  I use to go there in 2004-2005 to swim but gave it up when we got the pool.  We plan to go tonight probably after 7:30, wait for the crowd of beautiful people to go home.  I plan to do the 20 minute walk and then an hour swim there to start and then will add some other things once the tummy begins to go away.

I have started to make a list of things that have helped me in these few weeks of just losing 13+ pounds and surely would appreciate helpful hints for anyone else.  Thought they might help someone else or even the future me.

Christmas of  ’13

309.6,  I passed 310 in one night.  I feel good about it but I am still confused in my head.  I stopped blogging cause it was hurting Tina and Tesia.  I tried so very hard to be care about the words I had been choosing but I seem to upset them anyways.  I figured just not posting my blogging would help but that one day of not sharing was questioned.  I was told I could continue to write and was never asked to stop.  I blogged yesterday, a story about me, to me, and how I need to get my shit together.  I was talking to myself, I am trying to work out my demons.  I am sorry I am not on other's time schedule, I just can't "Quit it."  I am sorry for thinking of myself.  This has been a part of me for so long. I have dragged this through my life as I did the weight and both will take time to shed.  I know this in my heart to be true.  I am not a stupid man, just a foolish one who has awoken to the voice of God.  I have to let it all go into his hands and trust I will be fine in the end where ever this journey ends.  Everyday is a struggle not to give up, not step in front of a truck while on a walk.  I fear that little whimper I made may have already lost my lovely bone.  I may have already lost it all but I still have this overwhelming urge, desire, motivation to lose all this weight before Christmas of '13.  I know there is something other than myself driving me.  It scares me sometimes.  I put my head down and drive forward as I did in the rain last night.

I am still on the journey.  I know I cant quit or I will NOT make it, what ever it is.  I will be going to Lifetime to sign up for a membership before Friday.  I need to have a place to swim when it gets cold and it will get cold very soon.  The swimming is helping the weight come off and helps me numb my mind at times.  Am I a fool rushing to nowhere?  Where is this journey going to take me?  I pray to God it takes me back to the New England coast.  I hate Texas.  I feel the need for the ocean to be my background, to feel that ever present pounding of the ocean's waves.  To hear those sounds, I long for that and other things.  I know I can have that at least.  The other things I will never have, they are not in my control.  I pray to God for peace of mind and to help me lose this weight and deal with my demons.  He seems to be answering me now, I see that with the weight.  I guess, he never really turned his back on me but I turned my back on him.  I pray before meals now, thankful for the things he has given me and to help me stay focused on the journey, the task. 

Christmas of  '13

Today I hit 310.6; tomorrow I will see 310 at the rate I have been going.  I am assured that the amount should start increasing as I add more and more exercises and stretches, nothing to tax myself into pain at first but enough to get my body forming itself into what it needs to be.  I didn't blog yesterday as I had a troubled heart and mind and the words would do no one any good to see them, not even me.

"I want what I can’t have, and ignore that I do have.  I will lose that I have for the desire of something I cannot have.  I am a fool."  That runs through my mind over and over.  I am that little dog in one of Aesop's Fables, whose desires get the best of him.  The story has many versions and this is how I tell it.

One day a small dog was rewarded with a lovely bone by his master.  That little dog took it to his favorite chewing spot on the top of a hill.  He had to cross a river to get to that favorite spot.  As he crossed that river he looked down into the calm blue waters and saw another dog with a lovely bone.  Oh how he desired that bone, it was lovely.  It sparkled from the waters at him, calling to him, enticing him, he thought.  He must possess that bone forgetting he had a lovely bone of his own.  He barked loud and the other dog dropped its bone and his own bone disappeared into the calm blue waters of that river.  The dog realized in his own haste for a mere reflection he lost his own prize.  He did cry.  He cried aloud, "Woe is me.  I am fool to chase after phantoms and lose my own prize.  I am without now and have nothing."

I too bark at phantoms and will surely lose my own rewards.  I am a fool.  I was a foolish young man and I have grown into an old fool.  I must learn to be happy what God has blessed me with and let those things I can never have go.  This is hard, harder than losing the weight.

Christmas of  '13

Yesterday was hard as I struggled all day with my blood sugar, as it kept dropping well below the safety mark, and our daughter was leaving to make drive back to Lubbock.  Tesia was stressed not only from leaving her folks but her cat decided that it was the day to fine that perfect hiding spot to sleep soundly.  We searched the entire house four times, each, probing into the dark corners of our home to no avail.  When Gizzy sleeps, she sleeps soundly and is dead to the world.  Gizzy on cue at the last possible moment for Tesia to leave appeared as if from thin air with her broken little cheerful meow.  Tina and I got Tesia off with tears in our eyes and returned to our new rhyme of life.  We are working at closing that gap.  We laid in bed last night caressing each other and soothing our worries for our daughter as she traveled through a big storm here in Texas.    Safely at her apartment she texted us a simple word, "Homesy".    With our child safe in her new home, we slept in each other's arms till the morning.

With new gust and vigor we got up and did our walk together and swim.  I got my full hour in this morning as we will be cleaning the pool and adding chemicals that would keep me from my swimming for 24 hours.  I am worried, a little, over the fact I will not be able to swim for 24 hours.  What pushed me this morning to swim that extra 30 minutes was stepping on the scale before my walk and it read 310.4. (Yes! I can now see the scale without much effort and my toes look wonderful too!)  I stepped on it twice more just to be sure and it read 312.6.  My official weigh in is 312, after walk and swim.  As Tina and I walked talked she told me she was very happy to see my face light up when I read that 310.4 and reminded me that I will be there in just a few days at the rate I am going.  Its good to have someone while walking, I told her of a dream I had been having for the past 3 nights.

That dream began on a Sunday morning in late fall a few years from now, I was a minister (I know, some of you just snorted your coffee.  Sorry.)  We were in Maine, living in a small cottage next to my father's larger house, with an big beautiful ocean in our backyard.  Our garden was between the homes and I was there before service picking the last of the tomatoes.  I filled several baskets and took them to church where I gave a sermon on love and children using my garden's harvest as the example.  I know the sermon I gave and wont go into detail here.  I will write it out for myself as I have been doing with other thoughts.  I share those extra thoughts with my wife and others who are interested.  I am not here to preach or sway anyone to my God.  This is for me, is a way to say the words, keep them, I need to say and get them out into the world.  If no one listens, that's OK because I am writing these words so I know where I was along this journey and can see what a fool I may have been and what I was thinking along the way.  To remind me of the journey and what I learned on its path and to keep me from falling into such misery again.

I am a good man and try to do good things but, I will freely admit I am not a man with God and haven't been since I was a very young man.  I turned my back on God for events that sadden my heart greatly and have felt he was punishing me for a great sin I had committed so long ago.  I look back now and see he didn't leave me but I left him.  He blessed me, even in my first marriage we had good times but it was doomed from the start and I knew that in my heart.  God then blessed me with such greatness that I forgot that torment I put myself through.  God brought Tina and Tesia into my life, to fill it with such joys I had never known.  I look back and want to get my heart right with God and return to those joys.  I know I have to get my heart right with him and through his strength in me I can and will defeat my own demons in my head that have held me back for decades.

Christmas of '13

This is a hard morning for me, a very hard morning, both physically and mentally.  My blood sugar crashed this morning , 57 and dropping.  I haven't done my exercises yet, still trying to physically get my body capable of doing it.  My body is determined and wanting to this, that is still there.  (Thank God.)  Last night two very emotional things happened, the first a little bump in the circle of life, the second a personal hurdle I had to make.

We have 3 cats who like to hunt and bring their prey home, both alive and dead.  It is my job as the man of the house to take care of these things.  If you have cats you probably deal with this and know that it is a high honor to you for them to bring the prey home alive.  I know I have the tender touch of healing as I have mend many of the small helpless animals they bring us, birds, rats, mice, rabbits, and geckos.  The joke in my house is I am "The Gecko King."  Last night Gizzy, our youngest and mightiest hunter, brought in a small young rabbit.  I took it away from her immediately and held that poor creature in my hands, caressing it and comforting it.  It was gasping for air and let out a few screams.  I imagine those were its cries for its parents.  My wife and I cried a bit when it died in hands, my healing hands I so believed.  That's the circle of life.  It wasn't killer of a moment just a small bump as I said but it reminded me of my roll I took on in this family as a father, the protector of this home.

Last night I had have that talk with my daughter, Tesia, before she went back to college.  A talk about what has been going on with her Daddy, this battle, this hard journey I must make, my selfishness.  I told my daughter what happened to me on August 5th and started this journey I am on and can NOT stray from.  I tried to explain to her what emotions are brewing in my head and how I am battling my own demons every day, every hour, ever minute.  That I am not ignoring her or her mother but I am fighting not only for myself but for them.  I don't want to lose them.  I don't have plans to leave them on my path.

Tesia, I am sorry I was selfish for wanting a reward I should have never asked for or wanted.  I know I will pay a price each and every day in your heart and your mothers.  I stumbled, forgive me my dearest child, I am only human.  I know you have placed me in a high honor position in your life,  you have given me that title of Father.  I am so very proud of you and those things you have done and will do.  Tesia, I feel I have failed you at teaching you that you must have great compassion for others, we all are human and will make mistakes and fail many times.  I know I choose a reward that was very selfish and I shouldn't have.  I will find another reward that will not hurt you or your mother.  Trust in my words, I have no plans to leave you or your mother on this path or at its destination.  I just know I have to make this journey of losing all this weight before Christmas of '13 and then I will be able to find my happiness.  I am truly sorry for being selfish for but a moment in my life.  I will do this.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

This morning was not a good one.  The beast won that round; she reached out and shook my serenity.  I let my guard down.  It stemmed from yesterday’s event, the ticket court.  Needless to say I did not win; I didn’t even get a chance to voice my side.  I took the deal, the safest way out, cheap and nothing against my driving record.  I was strongly urged to take it as I would never win because the city had made sure no one could win that situation.  I was pissed, to say the least.  I went to bed early not taking my nightly snack to carry my blood sugar level through the night and into the morning.  I, without thinking, had taken the medicine that drives that sugar level down as well.  I got up and my sugar was extremely low, so I was drained of my strength.  An old college friend of mine posted a video of his favorite vacation spot, a home right there on the beaches of Maine.   Thank you Chris, it was a lovely video.  My wife and I watched it and I broke down hearing the sounds of the beach I so miss very much.  The gentle washing of the waves against that beautiful grey sand, the screech of a seagull, it got to me.  The memory of it crashed into my soul like one of those waves and gave that beast a chance to lash out at me. 

When I was first dating Tina, she took me to the coast of Texas.  I had never been to the coast of Texas for the 20+ years I had been in Texas.  I was expecting what I had felt in Maine, at her beaches, and I was let down.  My wife was so proud of the beaches here in Texas, she had never know my mistress of the oceans.  I tried to explain to her how it didn’t measure up, how the sights and smells were beyond description and comparison.  She wasn’t happy.  I took Tina and Tesia on a road trip a year or so later to Maine to visit my Dad in Kennebunk Port, Maine.  I showed them the beaches; they fell in love with her.  Tina understood what I meant and agreed that the New England coast was a little slice of heaven here on earth.  It was the first disagreement I won with my wife and would be the only for years. (Smile.  Laugh now.)  You married men know what I mean, we do not win many of those battles, we are wrong even when we are right.  I am still trying to figure that one out. 

I still wrestle with that beast this morning.   I did my walk and my swim with that ever determination to get to my goal, my prize, my reward, my LIFE.  I am at 314 and still have a long hard journey ahead of me.  I am the only one who can make this journey.  I have to be strong not only for myself but those loved ones around me.

Christmas of ‘13

314.8! Yes that’s what the scales said after my walk and swim this morning.  I am slowly doing it, one step at a time.  I will reach my goal, my prize, my reward, my life.  Today my mind is elsewhere.  On things it shouldn’t be and worrying about things that are close at hand.  I have a court date today for a ticket I received last month, one I feel I didn’t deserve.  I will pay the fine but I would like my day in court.  Wish me luck or pray for me which ever you do best.

To anyone out there watching my slow hard journey and wanting to make your own journey, all I can say is you have to find that motivation, that reason, that cause for you and you alone.  It will take a great many steps to get there but you deserve that reward, that prize, your life, your happiness.  Your journey may not be losing weight, it maybe something else.  We each have many journeys in our lives, paths that lead to somewhere we believe is happiness.  We often fear to stray down those paths for fear of being lost.  I know it has kept me from my true happiness at times, that fear.  I carry so much baggage with my heart and I wonder if I am a tormented soul, not to know or have what I want in my heart.  I think this long hard journey I am on is more than just the weight loss, it’s more. I will get through all of this, I have to.  Slay that which torments, my own personal demons.

Christmas of '13.

Wii! Last night Tina had me step on the Wii Balance Board and I had my first hooray!  The damn things didn’t chime musically and cheerfully at me "Too Heavy.  Too Heavy."  It actually took my weight, 316.  I did the yoga I started the program and did some yoga stretches, boy am I aching.  Yes it was a small accomplishment but it showed me that I am making progress on this long hard journey.  Christmas of '13, that ever rings in the back of my head.  It drives me each morning to get up at 5:15am and walk for 20 minutes and then swim for at least 30.  Today was no picnic on the pool, it was cold.  It’s funny how the morning's weather seem to be reflections of things.  My body is still determined to be thin, to be strong, and to be worthy.  

Forgive me for a short post, I wrote more but it went to a place I dare not reveal to the world.

It was raining this morning when I went for my walk and swim.  It wasn't that hard cold rain we usually get here in Texas; it was a soft warm tearful rain.  I guess there were so many tears shed last night in my home and a good friend's that the Angels cried.  I got news that a good friend’s father passed.  She said he was in a lot pain so it’s an accepted blessing; he is now not in pain but in God's loving embrace.  I knew her father when I was a very young man.  He treated me with kindness, patience, and respect.  I know he was one of the smartest men I have had the pleasure of knowing.  I didn’t know until recently he trusted me with one of his most precious treasures, that touched me and made his passing more meaningful today for me.  The news brought back all the memories of loves ones in my life who have passed, my sister (Colleen), my brother (Brian), my mother, a childhood friend (Billy Forbes), and yes, an unborn child (Andrew Thomas) which is the hardest of all to bear.  My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a loved one.  Tina and I cried for the losses we have endured over these past years that have driven us apart.  We are working on mending that gap, so bear with me if in the next few months I post odd or incomplete thoughts.  At times my heart feels as though it is going to burst with such sadness that I shake and cry.  I thank God for my Tina, she is my rock right now and I know if we had had Andrew Thomas my Tina would not be here today to help me on this long hard journey.  I am sorry if I made you cry but I had to say these words.   We each must bear the weight of losing loved ones; it’s the circle of life as my good friend said last night.  I just hope I get to see those old friends back in New England.  I regret I didn’t keep in touch.  I am ashamed of it.  I will try to make it up if you will let me old friends. 

Truth and honesty of our hearts, that's all we have and can control.  Each of us hides some truths deep in our hearts, things we believe, desire, love, hate and we choose either to hide it or show it to the world.  Those who show it the world are are labeled as overly emotional, traumatic, delusional, attention seekers, greedy, needy.  You know all the words, both the good and bad adjectives, we all do.  We all have people in our lives who wear their hearts on their sleeves.  For the longest time I didn't.  My first wife for first 10+ years of our marriage would always ask me to show her some emotion, tell her how I felt about her, be more romantic, do this, do that.  At that time in my life I didn't know how,  I was young, young at heart and age.  I was a very stupid young man like most men at that age.  We, men, stumble through life thinking we are defined by how we provide for our loved ones and miss out on the actual life.  Life that we can never get back, life that is so more precious than gold or status.

It wasn't till my older brother, Brian, had been murdered on his way to see me and well, my mother said something horrifying to me, the most horrifying thing a child could hear from a parent. That's when my emotions burst forward from my heart and soul.  My world fell apart.  I was unskilled in handling them as most men are, you ladies are allowed to cry.  But men crying, woah, that's a big no no.  I know you are shaking your head and saying, "Michael, men can cry, it's allowed."  Not really.  We men know the reality and its burned into our heads that this is a sign of weakness and a man could never, should never, show weakness for the wolves of life would tear his soul  apart, eat him up and take all that is his.  I don't know where this comes from, who taught us this, but it is there.  We are suppose to be the providers, the strong one, the protector and any sign of weakness and we could lose it all.  If you ladies doubt this, take your man, your father, any man to a deep dark quiet place that no other man can hear and ask them about this and if he is honest he will tell you this very truth. This truth is one I struggle with everyday, I want so much for my family, those material things, a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, energy to keep them warm and safe.  I want my daughter to be happy.  I do love them, my family, but this fear keeps me sometimes from being there when they need me and I am ashamed, I beat myself up for missing, for not being in tune with my daughter or my wife's needs.  Sometimes I worry to much as Tina tells me, I just give her a little snort and smile and say probably.  But this is a fear I have, of seeing those I care for doing without.

Yesterday was a hard one because I told my wife another truth,  truth about what woke me up and started me on this journey.  Why I did something stupid, something very very stupid.  She still doesn't understanding, mostly because of the fear of losing me.  I am not going anywhere, I don't have plans to go anywhere.  No one would put up with my sh@t.(Smile)  I am here in the now and hope I will be here in the future.  I started reading the Mayo Clinic Diet book and the first few pages spoke exactly what I was doing with this journey, I needed a reason, a reason so compelling that it would drive me each morning to get out of my comfy bed to take a 20 minute painful walk and then swim in a dark cold pool.  That reason for me was one simple word, embarrassment.  That is what drives me right now.  I made a promise to myself and I fear the embarrassment of failure in others eyes.  I know, I  know, my wife already said this to me, "If they are truly are your friends/loved ones then they would accept as you are now."  And you probably would, I surely hope so, but I need to do this because of something that happened that Sunday night, August 5th, before it all start, something that scared me, something that woke my soul from a long long sleep.  Maybe I will tell you in the future, maybe I wont.  I don't know.  Know this, I am compelled, driven, motivated to lose this weight before Christmas of 2013.

Remember, you can comment or tell me "I am full of sh*t" either here, FaceBook, or email me at MrWertGumby@aol.com.

Yesterday evening's walk and swim were in the rain, I wished for it to return a few days ago and it did come back.  This morning the air was crisp and clean with that wet smell after a good rain, everything felt washed clean for a new start.  If only life could be like that we turn on the rain and it washes all the B.S. cluttering up our heads.  I guess that's what tears are for, help try and wash our our regrets and sorrows away.  We hang to some many things and it's the negative things that speak the loudest from our hearts and souls. Why?  We are strange creatures, aren't we? As I was saying the morning walk was good and swim as well, the pool a little colder than usual, probably 85.  Here in Texas the pool usually is in the 90's all summer long, sometimes like getting in a water bath.  my weight this morning was 317.8 and my blood sugar 75, no crashing.  I had a cup of OJ and a small apple sweet (just about the size of a Chinese wonton), thanks Susan for the tip.  I will be looking in the ADA diet and Tina found a Mayo clinic Diet book she had lying about the house.  I probably will become an expert on this by the time I lose all this weight.

Last night Tina and I are making progress getting back to the way we were and want to be.  Her weight progress is going better than mine, hopefully I will catch up.  The website we are using to track our exercises and food also does some little computation to show you what you will be like in 5 week.  The site is telling I will break 300 before then and using a linear progression on that I should lose close to 100 pounds by the cruise.  I just can't believe it, but it is 4 months away.  I can do this!  I want this!  I want the goal, the prize, the reward, my LIFE! 

The sugar crashes are getting worse and worse.  This morning I woke up at 62 and dropping with sweat and heat.  Tina says I have to watch myself and possibly have a snack before bedtime.  I did last night had a small glass of tomato juice, it didn't help.  As she says, I have to find the right mixture to make it all work.   Yesterday was an emotional wreckage for me but I ma hanging in there, I have to.

Got up later than usual this morning for my walk and I had a walking partner this morning ("Surprise, Surprise, Surprise" said in the best Gomer Pyle voice)  Tina joined me on the walk and swim.  We talked, or I talked, guess it was my turn to do the talking and she well, was suppose to carry the weights.  I had started carrying weights, just some 2 pounders on each wrist, trying to push myself more.  Tina just told me I was a Chatty Cathy Doll the WHOLE walk.  Didn't even know it, just trying to get back to life.

This is a lot work, I aint going to fool you in to thinking its easy But, living is a hard thing.  Really LIVING in the here and now is hard, you really have to work at everything in your life to make it all work.  I understand that, I see that, now I have own it, believe it, live it.  I don't know if that makes sense for anyone else but that's whats coursing through my brain.  I have hung on to too much baggage and I need to let it go.  Its hard, very hard.  How does one let go of those bad things and the I-Should-haves.  I know the Should-haves can always be attempted again but the bad things people said and did to oneself, how do you get passed that, specially when the person is gone and they were, well, family, a parent?  OK, I am starting to cry better stop and get my ass in gear for the day's activities.  I can do this!  I have to do this!  I want to be around for years to come, who else is going to be the smartass for y'all? (your suppose to laugh there.)  Remember you can comment (or tell me I am full of Sh*t) by commenting here or on FB, or email me if you want it to be private.  My heart and mind are open even for small chit chat.

OK, who has been jacking with my scale?  I got on this morning (5 times!) and its says 318.8, yes you read that right.  Got to be a mistake or something.  I have moved my workouts to another site for tracking.  This site is an app my daughter uses and it had a food journal.  I start the food journal last night and put in my exercises, granted my calories burnt with their calculations were lower :-( and I tried to come close to the food intake probably measured high on the amounts.  It came out that I was -415 in my daily calories.  Guess that means I burned more than I took in.  I still feel good, a little weak from the yoga stretching last night and it has flared up my arthritis in my spine.  I am working through the pain and will get there.

Tina has been on her diet and tagging along with me a few times on the walks and swims as well as doing her own exercises and went from 284 to 267, now she did have a head start of a week+ or so but she is dropping the pounds.  Probably from the stress I am putting her under, I am sorry my love, I am an idiot, just bear with me till I get through this.  I am determined to drop 150 pounds.

I had to correct the numbers, Tina wrote her post at 5am, very sleepy eye-ed.  She'll get there soon!

I've been riding the wave of glee all day from the 2 pounds closer to my goal, my prize, my reward, my life.  Tina and I started doing some stretching tonight.  She dragged out the wii and did the yoga and other stretches on it while I did them next to her.  Won't be long before I can use the wii fit program.  I had some bad news today, about an old friend of mine.  Some of you back in Mansfield probably already knew this but Billy Forbes who use to be my best friend passed away in 2008.  Damn 2008, what a bad year for me, too much happened then.

I decided I want to come back to visit at least when I drop this 150 pounds and visit some old friends from high school and college.  So if you are out there and want a visit in a year+ let me know and get ready to see the new me!  I have missed New England for so long, the changing seasons and the beaches. 

320.2!  Yes you read that right.  I had to weight myself 4 times this morning! I was so worried for the past few days as I had been weighting myself and I went up to 323.6 and one time it said 324.8 (GASP!) but, those were nigh time weights and I think I was full of sh*t.   (Probably some of you, who know me in person, are nodding your heads and saying, "Michael, you are full of sh*t" and laughing.)  I am more inspired to do more, seeing the 2 pounds difference.  It's still a long journey ahead of me to get to my goal, my prize, my reward, my life but I am skipping with just a little glee in my heart today.  I needed that uplifting.  Look out world here I come,  I want to try and get down to my original weight, 6 pounds 9 ounces. (Giggle!)

It's strange, with this new focus and determination on losing 150 pounds and the exercise I am having greater focus at work.  I had been wanting to put in a better look and feel menu in the website for almost a year.  I was never happy with the controls or the overall feel across the 3 major browsers. (GOD! I hate IE browser, it doesn't do what its suppose to do.) well in a weekend and a few more days I successfully put in a much better top menu bar without any specialised controls for the clients to download.  I am very happy with it. Maybe I will get back to developing the Virtual World Software I keep putting off.

Also my mobile app class started today so I am excited about that.  I am hoping to have something developed by the end of the class, maybe something for you all to play with on your phones.  I like creating and writing games, most of the games have been some sort of word game.

Tina texted me at lunch and said she was looking forward to a walk and swim tonight followed by stretching exercises, we are going to start with them and work our way to hard ones.   And I had to call my doctor to let them know the bad news about the crappy insurance I got.  But!, they are looking for a nutritionist that would be inexpensive to a private individual and that would be good for me. (Aint that sweet?)  Also dug out the weights I had for my shoulder and am now carrying them, 3 pounders right now.  I am going to lose this weight!

It rained last night.  Tina and I love to listen to the thunderstorms rolling and watching the lightning flashes outside the window.  All is quiet in the house with a raging storm outside, makes for a nice picture.  This morning the rains had stopped and the air was nice and cool to breath, I am glad for that, last night the air was so hot and thick it was like breathing through a hot coal.  Texas summers, gotta love or hate them, no in between, and do I ever hate them!  The winters down here aren't bad at all specially when you are moving your yard around Christmas.

Tina and I are going to start doing stretches and some other exercises tonight.  Maybe they will help with the back aches, they should.  I don't have much to say right now.  Remember comment here or on FB or email me.

A walking partner is a wonderful thing, specially when its someone you really love and care about.  Tina came for a walk with me this evening and we had a good walk, not stopping and talking and crying.  Was a hot hot air out there, there was a storm north of us coming in and pushing all that hot Texas air together.  We did the walk in 20 minutes and yes, I had to stop my usual places to catch my breath, the uphill back home part.  Tina normally doesn't go for a walk with me as she is on her feet all day at her job and I am not going pressure her into it, she does enough for me. 

Tina even joined me in the pool for a 30 minute swim.  Its nice to have your own pool and be able to go "al natural".  I know I gross a lot of you out.  Tesia, the child of my heart, calls it chunky dunking for her mother and I.  Cute, huh?  Well give me a year and I, NO, WE will be skinny dipping!  Oh I long for that day.  My head and heart are primed for it.  I want that goal, that prize, that reward, that life.

On an down note, I found out from the HR guy at my work about insurance coverage for the weight lose and depression and guess what.......  I am shit out of luck.  (Sorry for my french)  Boy am I mad.  But Tina thinks her company's insurance will cover it but, we have to wait till next month when the coverage starts.  We are going to drop my insurance as it sucks and her will be far better, thank God for big companies who treat their employees right.

Another day, a little closer to my goal, my prize, my reward, my life.  I was thinking this morning while listening to 20,000 Leagues (yup changed the book, the Greek mythology book wasn't interesting), Life is too short to be complacent about just settling for what life gives us.  We, I need to step out there and grab what I want.  I need to get my body back to that of my youth and follow my heart.  I need to open my mind and educated it to the wild unimaginable rewards it holds for us.  Must be the endorphins kicking in or the new meds,  but I feel better than I did yesterday and I want, no will! feel better tomorrow and the better and better as each day goes on.  If you are like I was over a week ago, stuck in yourself pity of what life could have been, then stop and simply make it happen.  It may be a long journey like mine but at least you are doing something about it.  No one else will or even can make life better for you, YOU are the only one who can change YOUR life.  OK, getting off my soapbox.  I needed to say that not for you, the reader, but really for myself.  I have let big things slip by me for too long.  Remember, encourage those of us who are on this journey to betterness of ourself, its one step at a time and each step alone is a harder than the last.

I saw the doctor today.  I am checking my insurance to see if it will pay for a help in meal/exercise planning as well as surgery.  My doctor says I am a prime candidate for the surgery, guess I need to the downside of it.  I have decided to add carbs to my diet and still reduce the sizes from the diet Tina has me on.  I feel a hell of a lot better.  The Doctor said I was in real danger yesterday with the symptoms I told him about, he said one of the medicines I am on for diabetes was what really cause it.  That drug drives the sugar down no matter what the sugar level is in the body.  He warned me NOT to do it again, scared me (really).  Yesterday I felt like I was going to die and then I WANTED to die from how I felt.  I need to be checking my sugar level now, I was a bad boy and never really checked it (those damn little test strips are so expensive!).  I really want this, I want the prize, I want that golden ring, that reward, my life.  I want to be around to walk my daughter down the aisle in a few years when she finds that right guy.  I want to go on that Alaskan cruise and do the helicopter/sled dog ride, climb that wall on the ship.  There is so much in my heart that I want to do and with the weight off I WILL be able to do it.  I will get there!  Watch me.  Remember comments and encouragement are wanted, either here, FaceBook, or email me MrWertGumby@aol.com.

Extra Note:  I just took my blood sugar 103!  It has been that low in years!

Two slices of bread and a slice of cheese can make a difference.  Last night I wrote how crappy I felt and really couldn't do my workouts, I couldn't do anything and I wasn't fooling around or being a baby about it.  I am determined to do this!  I went to bed feeling the sweat and nausea of failure, I cried myself to sleep because I didn't want my goal, my end journey to slip away with only so few steps being made into it.  I now understand I need carbs in my diet, at least a few,  I have to maintain, I have to keep control, focus, drive through this.  I have a goal, a dream, no a reality! and I am more than determined to get there even if it kills me.  Kids, listen to your bodies, they do talk and tell you want they need.  I'll write more have to get ready for work as I am off to a very late start this morning.  Remember, comments and suggestion are wanted, specially words of encouragement (thanks for all those who have been doing so).

I hit the wall.  No walk or swim tonight due to severe lack of engry and other body issues.  Tina thinks the diet we are on, no carbs, is kicking in. I think its kicking my ass.  AM having problems focusing and looking at the monitor and other bright objects without the image burning in my eyes.  I pray I will be able to get up in the morning to do my walk and swim.  I dont want to fail.  I think we are going to have to rethink the diet and the excerise.  I got to lose this weight, I have to do this.

This morning was hard, my body just wouldn't get up and go.  I didn't wake up till 6, was up late last night talking, trying to make sense of the clutter in my head, the voices, the negativity.  When I woke my body was warm all over and aching and just no energy.  I got 1 sock on and dropped back into bed for another hour's worth of sleep.  I had to force my ass out of bed and on the road for the walk, it was tough I wont deny that, took me a little extra time to do the route cause I had to stop several times to catch myself.  I did a 35 minute swim after and now I feel much better, well, in the same pulsing, slightly out of breath, anxiousness I had been feeling since I started this journey.  I so badly want to be at the other end of this journey but I know, I have to make the journey, one step at a time.  It took years to get into this condition and it will take time to undo it.

Tina came with me on my evening walk.  we spent more time talking about things than walking but I did get the .74 miles in and a 20 minute or so workout.  She is my world,  I whispered to her "You are the air I breath, the ground beneath my feet, the meat in my belly, every thought in my head, TO you I entrust my heart."  We spent the rest of the evening in the pool and hot tub.  Had to send the kids in from the hot tub.  Was a good evening with a lot of talk about bad stuff floating in my head.  I realized I need help sorting it all out but I am still determined to drop the 150 pounds.  Oh, I did sign us up for the Sample Ballroom dancing class and they even include the TANGOOOOOO.  I am tired and my feet still hurt, have to work through the pain and keep in mind that coming out on the other side will be someone much better, some I will like more, someone who will grab the world by its balls and shake the shit out of it.  (OK, maybe I got a little too excited there! LOL)

I decided Tina and I are going to learn to dance.  We are going to take some dance classes.  I really want to Tango once I drop the 150.  But in the mean time we will start from scratch.  I found a class in Dallas on Thursday nights starting the 6th for 5 weeks.  Not going to wait and see, just going to jump in there and do it, is my new motto.  Now I have to repeat that mantra several times when I walk, get it into my head and drive those negative ones out from wife number 1 and my mother.  I heard those records playing my own life and believed them.  Its time to stop believing and TAKE A CHANCE.  I lost out on many wonderful things in my life because I wasn't bold enough to step out there and take a chance.  We so fear the rejection that we often loose out on the possibility of hearing an acceptance once and a while.  I say SCREW IT, GO FOR IT!  Worst that can happen is you hear a no and you move on.  So, I will see if Tina is up for it and if not, I am going to do it myself anyways.  I opened my mouth, now I got to walk the walk or in this case Dance the Dance.  Remember, you got a comment or a suggestion please, please do so here or FB or email me at MrWertGumby@aol.com.  I do need to get my friendship circle opened back up and get my ass out there.

Ok, the first Saturday.  Got up did my .74 mile walk, found a place to map and track my workouts (Thanks Karen) and that's what the map says my route is.  I did it in 20 minutes this morning far less pain in my legs.  Did a 30 minute swim after the walk and took a nap.  I just weighted myself twice to be sure and the scale reads 320.6.  For the past few days I was bouncing between 322.4 and 321.8, so we will see what happens.  I need to clarify, the household...Its Tina my wife, she says she has this diet the Scott & White Diet.  She says it works and gave it to our daughter, Tesia, and she swears by it.  So we will see, but  I think I need to get a little more educated on the the calorie intake and exercise as I am beginning to worry when winter comes and I can't swim, I do love swimming.  I get in there and just zone out.  Remember if you got any encouraging words or suggestions you can post them here, Facebook, or email me.

Well, the weekend is here and we'll see how I fair.  The household is going to start a diet with me as so my calorie intake should now be controlled.  I have no idea what I am doing with all of this, it scares me.  I certianly dont want to spend moeny for useless advice, guess I need to start reading up on what I should and shouldn't be doing.  Right  now, I am just determined, like a horny goat tied up.  I will keep the walking and swimming and limiting what I put in my mouth till I get a more defined plan for the calorie intake and excerise.  The pains are getting smaller on backs of my lower legs and I dont have as much back pain, so something is at least starting to work.

6 in the morning and I am done with my walk and swim. All is quiet, my legs hurt, my body aches all over, my mind wanders while I am walking and swimming.  I am staying focused, its only day 5 of this very long journey.  I fear failure but won't allow myself to think about it. When those thoughts come in I push them out with my hopes and dreams.  We all waste so much of life  because of fear of failure.  I have to think positive.  I need to think of setting small goals and what to give myself as a reward.  Certainly nothing as big as the final reward.  The rewards have to be something personal, something I normally wouldn't do for myself.  I need to be selfish about this because I am the only one who can do this and must do it for.  I don't do this for the rewards but reward myself with for changing my life for the better.  Am I wrong in thinking this way?  I figure I have to do this for myself because if I fail I am the only one to blame.

I weight myself last morning and I was 321.8 but last night after a meal, walk, and a swim I was 322.4.  God, I hope I can do this! NO, I HAVE TO DO THIS!  No doubts.  I give you all permission to slap me upside the head if you hear doubts from me.  

I am reading, well listening, to an audio book, Myths and Legends of Ancient Greece and Rome, while I am walking.  I have 20,000 Leagues ready for the next book but I guess I should go to the library to find others.  Any suggestions? 

Done with my morning walk, took 30 minute this time.  I am feeling the aches and pains in my legs but! I can bend a little more to put my damn socks on.  Oh, that makes me think back to the 90's when I had hoped to write a book on socks called "Where's that damn sock?"  I dont wear socks normally as I like to feel my feet, if I could go barefoot I would, well mostly in doors.  I still have tender feet and my doctor told me I couldnt due to the diabetes.   Yup, you guessed I am fat and got diabetes, who would have thought.  That is one thing I am looking forward to, not having to take pills anymore.  I didnt start taking medicine for it till 2006. but I was fat before then, it didnt grow over night.  I am going to see if I can add a chart to this blog.  I like to measure success even if its in small steps.  I probably can add a link to a web site of mine and add the asp/php page there as there is an SQL database ready to be used on that site.

I also am pushing myself to get other things started/done.  I signed up for a online class at a college, Creating Mobile Apps With HTML5.  I have many games I had developed for this little VR world I venture into. Many are word games and I had dreamed of seeing thme out in the real world for years.

Ok, I got a scale that goes up to 350.  I am going to watch the scale and try not to be disapoointed.  I was surpirsed at the current weight.  When I was last inthe doctor's office a few weeks ago for medicine refills, their scale said 331 and no heavy clothes.  My new scale says I am 322.4, so I guess I am ahead of the game.

I figured I would do the scale since I am someone who likes to work in little accomplishments at work.  You know, get this routine done or get this web page working or this function and then build upon it.

One step at a time....

That old song from the 70's Christmas special "Santa Claus is Comin' to Town" comes to mind.  Put One Foot in Front of the Other .  .. and soon you'll be walking across the floor.

Alright, at work now.  I have to decide how to track my progress, whether to get a scale that will go up to my weight or not.  Do I want to watch the little progress and even God forbid, no progress.  If I get a scale I have to remember even no lost weight is progress as this will take time.  It took time to build this and it will take time to tear it down, I really and praying that I can do this in a short amount of time.  I guess any constructive suggestions would be helpful but I will ingore all that negativity out, I get enough of it from within.

I started this blog not so others can read and follow my progress but for myself. A place to track my progress in losing 150 pounds and becoming a healthier me. I know it's a long hard task in front of me, I spent years, decades even, collecting this gross weight and it will take time to drop it. I reached bottom, being out of breath just living. My God, how did I get this way? Why did I do this to myself? I know the reason why and have set that as my reward. No I am not going to tell you my reward, that it is personal, very personal. I hope I can inspire others to make a chance in their lives. Probably not as I don't have a following.

Let me start the ball. I currently weight in at about 330+, give or take a few pounds depending upon if I had lunch or pooped. LOL (That was a joke to lighten the mood.) I once got up to 350+ several years back and did drop a few pounds just by cutting out the sodas. I know, I know. My eyes rolled too when I said it. We all (us fat people!) hear this same bullshit, "Just cut the sodas out and you drop all that weight...."(Said in a high pitched whiny voice) I do need to say something to all those who shake their fingers at fat people.... YES WE KNOW WE ARE FAT! It aint your deal to be our conscience. And NO! most fat people aren't lazy, it's just an overwhelming task and depressing as hell to even think about where to start. I hit rock bottom when I looked back at my life and saw I had more I-Should-Have's than I-Did's. I saw the life I wanted for myself and so missed out on it. I cried. Oh how I cried. (yes, men are allowed to cry these days. Didn't you get the memo, I certainly did.) I decided I wasn't going to roll over and let life pass me by. I have been too submissive and I need to take back what is mine, my life. The biggest thing that holds me back is my weight. I started walking every morning and night and swimming afterwards this past Monday and have not and WILL NOT give up. I asked for my reward and it was granted, so I know my task and what lies on the other side and I want to be there. Wish me luck! And if you see me with a big mac in my hand you have my permission to slap that shit out of my hand! (LOL, Another joke.)