This is a hard morning for me, a very hard morning, both physically and mentally.  My blood sugar crashed this morning , 57 and dropping.  I haven't done my exercises yet, still trying to physically get my body capable of doing it.  My body is determined and wanting to this, that is still there.  (Thank God.)  Last night two very emotional things happened, the first a little bump in the circle of life, the second a personal hurdle I had to make.

We have 3 cats who like to hunt and bring their prey home, both alive and dead.  It is my job as the man of the house to take care of these things.  If you have cats you probably deal with this and know that it is a high honor to you for them to bring the prey home alive.  I know I have the tender touch of healing as I have mend many of the small helpless animals they bring us, birds, rats, mice, rabbits, and geckos.  The joke in my house is I am "The Gecko King."  Last night Gizzy, our youngest and mightiest hunter, brought in a small young rabbit.  I took it away from her immediately and held that poor creature in my hands, caressing it and comforting it.  It was gasping for air and let out a few screams.  I imagine those were its cries for its parents.  My wife and I cried a bit when it died in hands, my healing hands I so believed.  That's the circle of life.  It wasn't killer of a moment just a small bump as I said but it reminded me of my roll I took on in this family as a father, the protector of this home.

Last night I had have that talk with my daughter, Tesia, before she went back to college.  A talk about what has been going on with her Daddy, this battle, this hard journey I must make, my selfishness.  I told my daughter what happened to me on August 5th and started this journey I am on and can NOT stray from.  I tried to explain to her what emotions are brewing in my head and how I am battling my own demons every day, every hour, ever minute.  That I am not ignoring her or her mother but I am fighting not only for myself but for them.  I don't want to lose them.  I don't have plans to leave them on my path.

Tesia, I am sorry I was selfish for wanting a reward I should have never asked for or wanted.  I know I will pay a price each and every day in your heart and your mothers.  I stumbled, forgive me my dearest child, I am only human.  I know you have placed me in a high honor position in your life,  you have given me that title of Father.  I am so very proud of you and those things you have done and will do.  Tesia, I feel I have failed you at teaching you that you must have great compassion for others, we all are human and will make mistakes and fail many times.  I know I choose a reward that was very selfish and I shouldn't have.  I will find another reward that will not hurt you or your mother.  Trust in my words, I have no plans to leave you or your mother on this path or at its destination.  I just know I have to make this journey of losing all this weight before Christmas of '13 and then I will be able to find my happiness.  I am truly sorry for being selfish for but a moment in my life.  I will do this.  I can do this.  I have to do this.