Wednesday, November 21, 2012

Day before Thanksgiving and I failed.  I hit 276, four pounds shy of my goal.  Guess its OK, nothing else with this journey seems to be coming through for me; like I was really going to get a call from the president or someone special when I lost that 50 pounds.  I haven't been swimming much or even walking due to my back hurting so badly.  (Even have a large bulge near the spine.)  Went to the doctor's on Monday and he prescribed meds for it and my shoulders.  I am just falling apart now.  I did get some good news today on my blood work, my numbers are way way down and are looking really great.  My blood pressure went up but hey, so did the stress.  I went for a swim yesterday and I nearly broke down crying in the pool after 30 minutes my shoulders hurt so bad.  This is depressing on top of the other crap that has happened along this journey.  I just shake my head and wonder why god is messing with me so bad.  Gives me inspiration and the will to do this and then the pain when I am getting into the grove of it.  Can someone explain this to me? 

I am still going to Boston but now I have lost my plans for anything I was going to do.  WOW.  I am a mess. 

Tuesday, November 13, 2012

Well, after a long time of being lazy I went swimming this morning.  I am going to try and get back on the horse again.  This self-pity crap has got to stop.  Sure I lost a few important things along the way but I have to keep going for myself no matter what may or may not be at the end.  I know one thing will be at the end of this journey, a thinner me and I should be happy for just that.  One good thing through this bad time was that I didn't eat myself into passiveness or numbness.  Nope, I stayed with the diet and didn't have any cravings, well that may be due to the lack of appetite I had.  Lucky me.
The inner child still isn't talking to me.  I have tried a few times to get in touch with him but still having a hard time wrapping my head around that concept or ability to find him. I have found my quiet peaceful spot, its low tide on a beach on the Maine coast.  I remembered it.  It was one I visited when I was in college; it gave me peace and strength.
I dropped the two quilts off at the long-armer this past weekend.  She says they should be done by the 7th and should give me time to add the labels if they ever come.  Tina has changed her mind on her quilt and now it has become bigger and brighter, more colors.  It’s still a lone star or what they call a Starlight Express except instead of a 2 by 2 it’s now a 2 by 3 and will fit the bed.  I've got a few other quilts to work on in the meantime while she is gathering the fabric for our own fabric stash.  (I should write that fabric stash program to organize the stash.)
I see there are just a few who are still reading this, I wonder who. I am on a small drive to do those 5 pounds before Thanksgiving to meet that goal I set back a month or so ago to drop 50 before it.  Wish me luck.

Wednesday, November 7, 2012

Been a quiet weekend and few days.  I haven't posted and probably will not be posting much as it upsets Tina when I do.  I doubt anyone is really reading this, especially when I don't link it to FB.  I am just recording this as I have not been to the gym in a number of days, just so damn depressed and my back hurts more than ever.  Tina says she can see the muscle extended up the right side of my spine like an arm under the skin.  With all that in mind I still have been not eating as much, lost my appetite which is a good thing.  I weighed myself this morning and I was 279, dropped 2 pounds in the last 2 days. I had to get on the scale 3 times to be sure.

My head has been in a strange place since Monday's therapy session; started to work on my inner child.  She had me go through and try to connect to my inner child and well he ain't saying shit to me.  Guess I lost that child as well.  I also have been doing a lot of thinking about my idea for a new website.  Don't have the full technical and business sense to pull it off right now.  It's a big project and really would like to see it done.  I know another great idea that will probably go nowhere, how depressing is that?  I have reread several notes from friends on hanging in there from a few weeks ago to help me get out of this funk; they are keeping my head above water at this point.  I need a kick in the ass.  I really do.  I still care about the journey and completing it just have to find a good motivation for it right now.  I am about 6 pounds from the 50 mark, a third of the way through it all.

I got a phone interview with Travelers Insurance in Hartford today.  I hope that goes well.  I had one with BioClinica on Monday and haven't heard a word back, guess that didn't go well.  I'll keep looking at jobs back in New England.  I am working on learning ASP.NET MVC.

Thursday, November 1, 2012

9 pounds from my goal of 50 pounds by Thanksgiving.  I wonder if I will make it.  I should be thinking about some sort of reward; maybe the president or someone important will call and congratulate me.  I can only hope (crosses fingers and toes -- Ouch!).  Thanksgiving won't be much this year as both Tina and I are on diets but the child wants a full turkey and the dressings'.  We are planning to go and see the Baylor/Tech Game that Saturday as a family at the new Texas Stadium.  Well, I say new because that's how everyone refers to it; it’s been around for a couple of years.

I see all my friends in New England fared well through Sandy; I am happy for you all.  Still would like to hear from some of you as to how specifically how you are and you know who you are.  I am getting ready for the December trip will probably at this point be spending most of it on my own just kicking about in New England seeing old haunts.  I guess I got a lot of thinking to do then.  It will give me a chance to feel the cold weather up close and personal again.  Maybe this old man might not want to get back into the cold; don't know, I know I hate the Texas summer heat and the endless non-season seasons.  (If that makes sense to anyone.)

I have been looking at jobs back in the major cities of New England and have sent a few resumes off but I think the big move is pushed off for at least a year (big sigh!).  I also have been learning new programming skills; I have an idea for a new social media site.  (Yeah, I know you've heard that before.)  Still keeping my mind busy to keep out of the doubts and let-downs.