We went dancing late last night and had some fun.  A few people from the classes showed up.  We danced with each other and I even danced with Elaine, the instructor.  She was very proud of us for coming out.  She said most people don't even venture out this early in the lessons and she was very surprised at our showing up there as well as at the Sunday classes.  Our last lesson is this coming Thursday and we will probably be signing up for the next class to learn the Waltz, Foxtrot, Swing, and the TANGOOOO.  OK, so I get a little carried away with the word Tango.  It's fun to say and looks like it will be fun to dance.  Bet it will take me at least a year to even get fair with it.  Guess it will be a fun year to try and learn.

I went and got a hair cut today, got it really short.  (Sorry, I am not bald or near there; I have a full head of hair.)  My hair had been passed my shoulders for a while now and was getting unmanageable due to the chlorine in the pool.  Was getting very dry and my hair is usually soft and nice.  I asked my hair-dresser if the hair cut counted as weight loss, was over half a pound on the floor at least.  She said it counts so I am going with that.

Other things in life move and stand still, same as usual.  I am waiting to see what day I leave for Boston and come back.  I have 15 days of vacation this year I have to take so I might be there for over 3 weeks.  Not sure if I will end up being a pest to some or not.  Anyone up there wanting to see me need something from down here in Texas that I can bring up?

I am at 295 and holding, well with the hair cut now 294.4 or so.  Didn't go to the gym last night due to the night out dancing.  This morning I swam for an hour and tonight I probably will swim for another hour just to catch up.  Sunday we have another session with the trainer.  Hopefully we did well with the last instructions he gave up two weeks ago.

The dance class is getting smaller and smaller; just 3 couples now.  Elaine, the teacher, has invited all of us to strut our stuff at a club tonight.  So we are going out at late tonight to dance the night away.  Wish us luck and pray I don't make a fool of myself on the dance floor.

Swam an hour this morning to make up for the missed time yesterday.  295 is where I am at right now.  Moving slowly down, I so want to be shedding the pounds.  I got to drop much much more so I can look good for the December trip.  If I don't and you see me, please forgive me I am in transition.  I will be staying at my Dad's place in Kennebunk Port Maine and visiting all the old stomping grounds.  Hopefully I will get to visit with a number of old friends.

I started listening to Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" book on CD.  It's speaking to my heart and what's going on in my life right now.  I am not where I want to be.  I want to be where my happiness is.  I want to like myself and feel at peace.

Took this morning off was so damn exhausted.   I know I got to step it up.  I am making plans to go to Boston area in December for 2 or 3 weeks, not sure how long right now.  Will drop in on my Dad in Kennebunk Port Maine for a while and probably spend some time at the water's edge.  I will go and see Mansfield for a day or two just to see how the town has grown.  Also I will start looking for a job and place to live, things are moving faster.  I will be still on the diet and exercise when I am in New England for good which means I will need to find a gym with a pool, got to have my swimming.

I know this journey has only begun and it will be a long time going but I have to move on with my life as well.  Just not happy being in Texas; the damn heat and seasonless years.  I also feel my destiny is back in New England, somewhere.  I have to follow my heart even if I end up in shit.  At least I can say I tried.

Dance tonight; we have 2 more classes and then we will probably take the next 5 week beginner's class which will have the foxtrot, waltz, swing, and the TANGOOOO.  I was a bit disappointed that we didn't get the Tango this time but I will learn it.  I will learn it and be thin and hopefully be graceful on the dance floor someday.  I know this in my heart.  I have to work at it, work at life, and find my happiness.

My writing project is still going.  I write every day on it.  Probably no one will read it but it keeps me busy and my mind active.  Which I think is the whole point of it.  It gives me something to do that is completely my creation.  I would like to get back to working with my hands, crafting something, maybe a quilt or two.  I have started looking for my quilt design software; it got lost in all the computers and their crashes/deaths.  It's sad to see a computer crash and burn especially when it has so much work on it.  I think I need to be creative for me to begin to like and feel good about myself.  I need to be constructive and creative.

Keeping my mind and hands busy today.  My mind keeps wondering to the future, wanting to be there, at the end of this journey and I feel waves of anxiety coming on.  There is so much I want to do and want in my life now.  I want it all now but I can't, I have to work at it.  Things must come in order for it all to work out.  I have to lose all this weight before enjoying the fruits of my labor.  I have less than 125 more pounds to go.  That seems like a lot and sometimes over whelming at that.  Guess I am at a low state, my weight isn't moving downward as fast as I like and I am at a plateau again, sticking around 297.  Please God!  Let me do this; let me rush towards my end journey.  Guess he needs to come and shove me off this plateau.  Anyone got any words of wisdom?

We did a few minutes of dance practice last night in the kitchen.  I found I really need to be practicing the Salsa steps at work because my calves are killing me.  That quick stepping is just too much; I think I'd rather walk 30 minutes than do that for 5 minutes.  I am avoiding the Cha Cha like the plague right now.  On Sunday I really went backwards on that one.  I still get lost on the turnout steps and where to go from the spin.  I seem to be doing fine in my office but when paired up with a partner I get all flustered.  Guess I will be a Rumba man. (Giggles)  That dance I got down pat, even the turns and the 5th position.  Can't wait till I get a flatter belly to look graceful on the floor.  I imagine I must look like a big bowl of Jell-O hoping about out on the dance floor right now.  It's OK to laugh, I try to laugh at myself to keep my spirits up.

This weekend was better than most lately.  My daughter came home for her birthday and yes, I did get to have sake with her.  We took her to her favorite restaurant, a Japanese Sushi grill where they cook right there at your table.  Don't know why they server sake piss warm, I had to drop a few ice cubes in it.  I guess I am spoiled American, I like my liquor cold or at least at room temperature.  I asked the kid a long time back if she would rather have a shot of tequila but I think her soft mouth isn’t ready for that harsh stuff.  Maybe in a year or so when I celebrate the end of this journey.

We did go to another dance class on Sunday, just went over the steps we already knew for the four dances she has been teaching us.  I am still a bit confused on the Cha Cha.  Tina says we need to practice together every night this week; guess my office dancing isn't working as well as I thought.  The teacher mentioned something about an outing on Friday night and Tina would like to go.  I am a little worried about strutting my stuff on the dance floor in front of others; but I will get over it.  I am still off balance with this weigh but I hope that after losing all this weigh I will be graceful on the dance floor.

I'll been working on that project I thought would help get my sense of humor.  It seems to be well liked by a few who I have let read the rough draft.  Tina has been sneaking peaks at the whole thing on the computer and says I am doing great.  Not sure if she is a good judge as she is biased to my writing, she has always liked my writing and humor.  It was one of the things that drew her to me.  Someone once said, "People judge us by the words we use."  I have always tried to speak my mind with a bit of a sense of humor to cut the sharpness of those words sometimes.

Dance, Dance, Dance.  Two more classes left and I think we will be signing up for the next 5 week class for beginners; that one will have the waltz, foxtrot, swing, and the TANGOOOO.  We didn't get to the new steps Tina and I learned on Sunday but we did go over the 5th position for the rumba which I forgot about and didn't practice this week (hangs head in shame).  I was so focused on the ChaCha and getting them steps down specially the turnouts and spin.  Tina wants me to practice more with her as she says she can't feel my rhythm, I told I couldn't either as I am still trying to find it. (Laugh!)  This dancing has shown me I have to work on my balance and calf muscles, especially for the fast salsa (thought my feet were going to fall off). Will have to look for some sort of exercise to help with the calves.  Tina and I both agree the rumba is our favorite dance; it's easy enough and seems to go with any style of music, fast or slow.  And we look fabulous doing it!

Beginning to think about my move back to New England. Where will I move to?  What stuff will I keep and take with me?  How to find a job and what to live on while I am looking?  Lots of questions and lots of things to do to get there. Gives me something to think about while walking and swimming.  It seems so far away right now but time is moving faster and faster as we get older.  I need to strike while the iron is hot, step out and be brave and do those things I should have done a long time ago.  I have to take a chance before it's too late.  I have this feeling that my happiness lies somewhere back in New England.  Any thoughts or advice?

Added Note:  I finished my Web Mobile App class today with a final score of 97.  got 2.4 CEU.  Probably got enough of them to get another degree or two.

I am below 300 now and have my eyes on the next milestone.  I think I may be there by Thanksgiving at the rate I am pushing myself.  The aches and pains are worth the number of little hoorays I have had over the past month and half.  I still can't look at the whole journey as it is a long path in front of me and sometimes it looks over whelming but I stay the course.  I have to; no one can make this journey for me and it is only I who will reap the rewards at the end of it.  What the rewards will be I have my doubts now.  I see a number of possible outcomes but I can't and shouldn't focus on them or else I will stumble in the here and now.  I have to stay in the here and now and push on.  I know it's a day to day living but at this time in my life I am rebuilding and that rebuilding takes time.  It took time to a lot of time to get where I was at the beginning of this journey and it can't be solved over night or with the wave of a wand.  Oh if it were so easy as that; would it be valued to me after it was done?  I doubt it.  As I taught my daughter, the things we work hard for have more value than those things that are just handed to us. 

Tonight is dance night and I have been practicing the ChaCha steps.  Hopefully I will do better tonight than on last Sunday.  I am having fun with the dancing even though I still suck at it.  It does make me smile and that's a good thing these days as smiles are a rarity.  I have started a new project to help me with my sense of humor and I look forward each day not to working on it.  Maybe at the end of all this I will be thin, laughing, and smiling.

298!!!!!  I was worried.  When I got out of bed this morning I weighed myself and it read 300.2 and I was depressed.  Went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes with an incline at 2.5% for most of it and the last 5 minutes at a 5% incline.  I then swam my 30 minutes.  When I got home to shower and get ready for work I stepped on the scale and it read 298; I had to get off quickly and try it again.  You it read 298 that second time.  So its official I broke the 300 mark and now heading for the 250 mark.  I am shooting for before Thanksgiving to be there.  I am sore and aching but very very happy.  I am waiting for the special congratulatory phone call from the president.


The baby arrived yesterday and I was OK.  She was a little scared of the new place she was in but is now exploring it all and getting into everything.  Boy, you don't realize just how unbaby a house is until one shows you.  The cat isn't happy; she has already swatted at the baby.  The baby sure wants to play with the fat cat but Scrapper isn't having anything of that, just runs off to the bedroom and hides.  Tesia should be home Friday for her official 21st birthday celebration, she wants us to take her out to a sushi bar where she can have sake with me.  Tina and I are a little scared of eating out of the house for the first time since we started this dieting and exercise.

OUCH!  Well, I hit 300.4 this morning and praying tomorrow I cross a milestone.  Last night was strength training night so we walked for only 15 minutes and then did the strength machines then! the core training exercises (OUCH!) and I was am to squeeze out 30 minutes in the pool.  Boy am I exhausted; I hurt in places I didn't I know I had.  Believe it or not I am where I was over 10 years ago in weight.  Gee you think I could get back to my original weight . . . 6 pounds 5 ounces? (smirk)  Got a little more of that piss and vineger in me this morning and hoping it fills me up.  I want that sense of humor and laughter back.

Yes, I did practice the ChaCha yesterday in my office; still trying to get the turnouts down.  Way to much foot work and hands and hips, it's all confusing!  The baby will be here today, both Tina and I are praying I don't have a breakdown from it.  Just have to remember if I do to suck back them tears and be strong.

  

(Giant Baby on the beach!)

This weekend was very hard and long.  I cleaned the pool filters Saturday to make the hot tub nice and bubbly and working at its peak performance for the coming visitors.  Helped Tina move the furniture and Shampoo most of the house carpet.  We also took the oldest cat to the vets to be put to sleep.

  On top of all that I had asked Tina for a divorce last Wednesday night.  I have become disillusioned with the marriage and it has been that way for a number of years.  I had numbed myself to all feelings to get through life.  It isn't one specific thing but a number of things but Tina feels it is because of the feelings I have for a person from my past that is once again in my life as a friend only.  I know that person will only be a friend to me and nothing more and at least that makes me happy and gives me something to live for at this low time in my life.  I say this now because Tina has been posting a status on FaceBook and I feel I needed to at least say something.  I am sorry for how I feel towards Tina at this time and am ashamed of it but I can't change how I feel, I can't go on living in such an unhappy mindless empty state.  I know I have to change myself and learn to love myself before I can truly love another person.  I pray to God and hope he still hears my prayers that I will find myself at the end of this journey happy and able to love.  I look for no pity or shoulder to cry on; this is my mess and I must clean it up.  I write this for no one but my future self to remember what I went through at this time in my life.

Enough of the depressing stuff.  I weighed in at 301.4 this morning.  Yesterday we met with the trainer and he took us through an hour of exercises that we need to add to our weekly strength training nights.  These exercises will help tighten up our core muscles and help get some balance to our changing bodies at least that's the line he gave us. (Personally, I think he got a kick out of seeing this fat old man balanced on a Bosu ball like a trained seal.)  We also had another dance lesson in the evening.  We learned a few more steps to the ChaCha, a turnout is what she called it.  I am totally lost on those dance steps guess I will need to Google them later today and practice in my office.  I seem to be doing a lot of dancing in my office. (Thank God for doors!)

Last night was the second dance class and we learned a new dance plus some added steps to the rumba.  We learned a step out ladies' spin to the rumba and a 90 degree turn from that spin.  We also learn the beginning steps to the ChaCha, not sure I am going to like that one.  (Those steps are complex!)  I will have to practice in my office all next week to get the ChaCha down.  Boy my ass and hips hurt from all that dancing.  Tina did great considering she is still dizzy.  I tried to keep the spinning to a minimum but the teacher likes spins.

I edged a little closer to the 300 mark; hopefully I will be in the 200's soon.  It was raining this morning while we walked and I swam, just a light rain.  I also moved up in hand weights that I carry in the office; I am now at 5 pounds each hand.  Other events have started as well which will be taxing on a lot of people.  I am still focused on the journey, day to day, and will continue to its end.  I have to, there is no question about it.  I just have to get to the other side of this journey.

Not been good days for Tina since Sunday, she has a constant dizziness.  I took her to the doctor yesterday morning and he prescribed motion sickness pills and a few other pills to deal with my dumb ass.  She has been in bed since yesterday morning with the covers drawn over her head.  I hope she is feeling better real soon specially for tomorrow.......WE DANCE!  We haven't had time the past few days to practice together but I dance every day in my office; I close the door and turn on the Latin music and dance my feet off.

I've had a rough few days as well, my back is flaring up but I am trying to work through the pain.  I got a deadline and I so want that reward, that prize, that life at the end of this journey as soon as possible.  I also started to look in the New England area at the programming job market; looks like there is more C# than VB.NET positions so I am brushing up on my C#.  I am still taking the class on the mobile app development and still looking for that great mobile app.  (Any suggestions?)  Not much else is going on; just keeping my eyes down and marching to a thinner me.

This morning was a cold one for Texas, was in the 60's.  Did my walk and swim with no problems.  My pool was warmer than the gym's pool last night.  I couldn't swim for the full hour last night; my muscles ached from the cold.  Yesterday was a good and bad day, we met with the trainer and he gave us suggestions, I need more water and Tina needs to put salt in half of hers (YUCK!) and we both need 1 more serving of veggies.  He is very pleased with what we have been doing for the past month.  Tina is down over 30 pounds and me well, I weighed in at 304.2 this morning so you do the math. ;-)   I am feeling the aches and pains all in my back and tonight is strength training night.  The Trainer also wants us to have 1 day of active rest, no exercising (boy, that's going to be tough for me as I got a big fire under my ass!).  We decided that it would be Thursdays as we have dancing on that night and it's awfully hard to get to the gym after dance, the dance class is on the other side of the city.

Speaking of dance, I got the steps down for all three dances and we cleared a place in the kitchen to dance.  Now we got a hard floor to practice on, YEAH!  We even went and got Tina some new dance shoes; we danced in the store to try them out and drew a crowd. (Blush.)  It felt good, no one laughed, just smiles.

The bad part of the day was the movie we saw, The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  It's a very good movie, very touching.  Don't expect to see this as a block-buster but it will be a silent favorite for most of us adults.  The move touched a very sore spot in both our hearts.  I don't normally cry while watching movies. (It's a guy thing!)  Well, I did all through this movie, we both did and after the movie we had very long cry when we got home.  Enough of the heartache talk and back to the journey at hand.  I am the ever more determined to complete this as fast as I can.  I am hoping to see 299 this week!

It is a cold wet morning.  Guess we had a storm blow through the night and we didn't even hear it.  It blew the pool furniture around, umbrella ended up in the pool and a chair cushion.  The water was still warm as bath water even though it was a cold rain.  Tina got in the pool with me this morning and we practiced a few dance steps, we both are still a little confused on the rumba (I'll have to look up the steps online).  The Merengue and Salsa were good, we were in step and practiced a few turns.

305.8 this morning and blood sugar was at 77 and I still feel fine.  Didn't have dinner last night, didn't feel like it or guess needed it.  Guess I should eat a small breakfast to get the day's chores done.  Not much else worth posting about right now.

Christmas of '13

Last night was a blast.  It was much better than either of us expected and NOBODY laughed at us.  Everyone in the class was just as silly stumbling about to get the steps right.  I think I did pretty well as I got compliments from the other ladies in the class, we rotated partners all night.  It was almost impossible to spin Tina in sneakers so the Teacher, Elaine, gave her some slip-on things to go over the end of her sneakers to allow her to spin.  Tina had a great time and dance like an angel!  She put me to shame in the dancing. We learned the basic steps for the Rumba, Merengue, and the Salsa.  Just he simple basic steps and a spin added to each of them.  Now I know how dance partners signal each other when to spin.  The man is in charge and the woman follows (she doesn't have a wave-off signal).  The spins might be a bit of trouble as she is an inch or so taller than me (yeah I am short! What of it?).

We didn't walk last night as we decided the dancing for an hour counted as our 30 minute evening walk.  I did swim last night for an hour at 10pm in our pool.  Water was very warm almost like bath water.  It's been hot all week here in Texas.  Tonight is back at the gym for 30 minute walk, 30 minutes of strength training, and then 30 minutes of swimming.  We found a great machine that helps with the tummy muscles, like doing sit-ups while standing.

I am sitting here eating my breakfast thinking about the day coming, especially tonight (WE DANCE!) and wondering who is really reading this and what you are thinking.  308 is what the scale said this morning, I guess the scale decided to be on my side.  Tina keeps asking me what little reward do I want when I pass the 300 mark and I really don't know.  I haven't even thought about it, I have been so concentrating on the everyday exercising that I can't look past tomorrow or the next day.  Any suggestions?  Remember this has to be for me, and me alone, and no food rewards.  I decided that last week, I got a cream soda bottle left and just keep pushing it away.  I have no desire to drink it which is strange to me.  I still have no cravings for the sweets or foods I haven't been eating.  I guess once you find that reason, cause, self-motivation it really does make a difference.  Don't get me wrong, every day is a struggle with this all but most of that is I want to be at the other end of this journey now.  This is a very long journey and sometimes it seems impossible but I continue.  I want that reward, that prize, that life at the other end of this journey.

Remember you can comment here, on FaceBook, or even email me at MrWertGumby@aol.com.

Well I did have a small victory yesterday.  I had a call into my doctors about the blood sugar drops and they reduce one of my medicines in half.  (YEAH!)  I was 310 this morning so I am back on track (crosses fingers).  Tonight we will be strength training.  We decided to switch up the nightly routines to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday being weights so those nights we will walk for 30 minutes, row for god knows how long (probably till my arms fall off!), then do the weights on the tummy and upper body and then end the night with a 30 minute swim.  (I do love my swimming.)  The other nights we will be doing the 30 minute walk and I will do an hour swim and Tina is doing either more walking or weights, she can't decide.

Thursday is tomorrow, that's Dance Night.  I am so excited about it I keep thinking today is Dance Night.  Tina is worried she will look funny or just can't dance.  I can't wait to drop all this weight and TANGOOOOO.  Who wants to TANGOOOOOOO?  We do plan to dance on the cruise ship in December; I should have at least dropped 50 pounds by then.  (Maybe more, God I pray I drop more!)

Any words of wisdom pass them on and if you are too on a journey like mine let me know.  Always good to encourage others.

Was a tough weekend as we worked at the gym and cleaned the bedroom of things.  We are clearing the house of things to get ready to sell it and move our butts to New England, most likely Maine near my Dad.  Last night I collapsed and could not move a muscle.  Tina started me on weight training in the morning and I almost passed out in the pool doing my laps. (Stop laughing!)  We decided to rethink the work outs as I had been pushing it since I hit the plateau and even fell up the hill by a few pounds. (No I didn't cheat at all on the calories.)  I had increased the walking at the gym to 30 minutes for a total of 60 for the day and an hour both in the morning and evening.  (No wonder why I collapsed last night.)  I am still determined to get this weight off as fast as I can.  I have to call the doctor today as my blood sugar keeps dropping to 50.

It's been a month since the event and I am still determined and focused on the weight loss.  It is the main thing in my mind right now.  I am amazed at the fact I have not had a single craving or thought about sweets or a snack.  Guess I am still running scared.

Thursday we start the Ballroom sampler class.  Both Tina and I are excited to learn and also worried that we will look very silly.  We promised each other we would not laugh at the other.  So don't you laugh at us either or my Tina won't dance with me.

Keep strong, keep alive, and keep the dream going.  I can do this. I have to do this.  I will do this.

Well, I did it again, went to bed without a bread for dinner and my blood sugar dropped drastically.  I woke in a fright from a bad dream and realized something from my past.  I remembered all those times as a child and a teen waking the same, in hot sweat, heart pounding, no focus, ringing in my ears, an anxiousness all over with the tingling.  All this time I thought it was fear, fear of something going to get me in the night.  It was low blood sugar, poor nutrition.  I didn't know about eating right and growing up poor as church mice we could afford better meals.

I am still at the plateau, it worries me.  Tina and I went to the gym this morning after our walk and my swim.  I forgot that it was Saturday and we had an appointment with a trainer there, nice gal.  Told her up front we didn't want to be given any sales pitch that we were serious and didn't want to be jerked around.  We go back Tuesday to finish up with a plan of action to get on course for what we have to do.  I got to lose all this weight before Christmas of  '13, just have too.  We are working on this together, Tina and I, hopefully we wont kill each other on this trip.  I still check my food for broken glass (LOL, laugh that's an inside joke!).

We got things to get done around here, get this place cleaned up to sell it and move back to the New England coast.

Believe or not, this was me in 2005 on our honeymoon cruise and I was about 350+ then.  Alot of time since then and alot of things have changed in our lives.  We were very happy then and will get back to that.  Aint she a beautiful lady?


Christmas of '13