It's been a week since I got to New England and I did do my good memory collecting.  I met with some old friends and laughed and remembered.  I went back to Mansfield and saw the house I grew up in and the trees were gone.  The one the front I use to climb and sit in for hours.  The house was the same and the garage I rode on for some funny pictures was still there.  Lots of good times came back.

I thought I would come up here and see the places I was once happy at and remember for one last time and maybe hopefully I would or could regain my smile, my old self.  Funny thing is I did.  I did feel my old self, I laughed, giggled, smiled and was very happy and it was in an unexpected place and with an unexpected person.  I am grateful for that one last smile, warmed my heart.  I want more, oh so much more of that.  But all things must come to an end.

Tomorrow I am going to the spot I have reflected upon in my head for years.  I will visit it one last time and wait.  Wait for the hand of God so I can ask him why he showed me such happiness several times only to take them away quickly.  Tonight I will drink and celebrate life for who knows what tomorrow brings.  I am sorry to those whom I have offended in the past and to those whom I will offend.  Forgive me, I am but a man with a broken heart with questions for God.  Happiness and good will to all.

Yeah!  I got my ass up this morning and to the gym!  I did my swim but it was hard let me tell you.  I am hurting in my back and shoulders.  I am pushing through the pain to get this started again and done.  I got an early Christmas present from Tina and Tesia.  They gave me scuba lessons at a local dive shop.  I have always wanted to learn to dive.   In my college days I was way too poor to take the lessons and after that the first wife had a rule "if it didn't have to do with horses it wasn't in the budget" then I got to fat.  I had been talking about learning since Tina and I started doing the cruises especially after doing a helmet dive in Jamaica.  She is interested in learning as well and we both want to Caribbean waters, mostly Cozumel (our favorite place to go).  I have to decide when would be a good time to reward myself with it, after the full 100+ I still got to go or when I hit 200.  Something to think about in the pool.  I do a lot of thinking while swimming, gets my mind off the pain sometimes.

Been a while since I blogged.  I stopped because every time I did someone was upset at my words or lack of certain words.  I will try to stay away from the emotions and the desires but I can't promise I won't slip.  I went swimming this morning and boy my back is on fire.  I have to work through this pain and continue with the exercise.  I have to get back on track and drop the remaining 100+.  I made a promise to myself and I did feel very good at accomplishing the loss of that first 50 or so.  If I don't do this I need someone to come down here and kick my ass.

I have picked up a few books to help with my mental state.  The first book I am reading right now is "You can be Happy No Matter What" by Richard Carlson, PH.D.  I stumbled upon it while at Half Price Bookstore looking for books on the inner child concept.  (Yup, still working on that.  I guess I need help bad.)

My trip to Boston is still on.  I am looking forward to visiting Mansfield and Biddeford Pool.  I know I need to spend some time at the beach where I found my happiness while I was at college.  That is where I go when I go to my happy place in my head.  I need to recharge that memory so I can draw strength from that happy place in my head again.

I know success is one thing that has brought me happiness in the past.  Success in completing a major task, well something I considered major.  I know that I did feel a little happiness at the weight loss so I am going to continue that and I have started a number of projects that I stalled on.  I need to feel the success from within, not from without.  I need to pat myself on the back and feel good from that and not look to others to give me the praise.  Although praise from others is good and does make one feel awfully great but you have to really depend upon one's self for the good feelings, that happiness, that feeling of success.  I have to stop waiting for my mom to tell me I did a great job because it's not going to happen. 

Enough of that.  I am going to be happy.  I am going to be thin.  I will complete this journey (even if it kills me)!  Read this or not doesn't matter to me.  I write this for myself not for anyone else.

Day before Thanksgiving and I failed.  I hit 276, four pounds shy of my goal.  Guess its OK, nothing else with this journey seems to be coming through for me; like I was really going to get a call from the president or someone special when I lost that 50 pounds.  I haven't been swimming much or even walking due to my back hurting so badly.  (Even have a large bulge near the spine.)  Went to the doctor's on Monday and he prescribed meds for it and my shoulders.  I am just falling apart now.  I did get some good news today on my blood work, my numbers are way way down and are looking really great.  My blood pressure went up but hey, so did the stress.  I went for a swim yesterday and I nearly broke down crying in the pool after 30 minutes my shoulders hurt so bad.  This is depressing on top of the other crap that has happened along this journey.  I just shake my head and wonder why god is messing with me so bad.  Gives me inspiration and the will to do this and then the pain when I am getting into the grove of it.  Can someone explain this to me? 

I am still going to Boston but now I have lost my plans for anything I was going to do.  WOW.  I am a mess. 

Well, after a long time of being lazy I went swimming this morning.  I am going to try and get back on the horse again.  This self-pity crap has got to stop.  Sure I lost a few important things along the way but I have to keep going for myself no matter what may or may not be at the end.  I know one thing will be at the end of this journey, a thinner me and I should be happy for just that.  One good thing through this bad time was that I didn't eat myself into passiveness or numbness.  Nope, I stayed with the diet and didn't have any cravings, well that may be due to the lack of appetite I had.  Lucky me.
The inner child still isn't talking to me.  I have tried a few times to get in touch with him but still having a hard time wrapping my head around that concept or ability to find him. I have found my quiet peaceful spot, its low tide on a beach on the Maine coast.  I remembered it.  It was one I visited when I was in college; it gave me peace and strength.
I dropped the two quilts off at the long-armer this past weekend.  She says they should be done by the 7th and should give me time to add the labels if they ever come.  Tina has changed her mind on her quilt and now it has become bigger and brighter, more colors.  It’s still a lone star or what they call a Starlight Express except instead of a 2 by 2 it’s now a 2 by 3 and will fit the bed.  I've got a few other quilts to work on in the meantime while she is gathering the fabric for our own fabric stash.  (I should write that fabric stash program to organize the stash.)
I see there are just a few who are still reading this, I wonder who. I am on a small drive to do those 5 pounds before Thanksgiving to meet that goal I set back a month or so ago to drop 50 before it.  Wish me luck.

Been a quiet weekend and few days.  I haven't posted and probably will not be posting much as it upsets Tina when I do.  I doubt anyone is really reading this, especially when I don't link it to FB.  I am just recording this as I have not been to the gym in a number of days, just so damn depressed and my back hurts more than ever.  Tina says she can see the muscle extended up the right side of my spine like an arm under the skin.  With all that in mind I still have been not eating as much, lost my appetite which is a good thing.  I weighed myself this morning and I was 279, dropped 2 pounds in the last 2 days. I had to get on the scale 3 times to be sure.

My head has been in a strange place since Monday's therapy session; started to work on my inner child.  She had me go through and try to connect to my inner child and well he ain't saying shit to me.  Guess I lost that child as well.  I also have been doing a lot of thinking about my idea for a new website.  Don't have the full technical and business sense to pull it off right now.  It's a big project and really would like to see it done.  I know another great idea that will probably go nowhere, how depressing is that?  I have reread several notes from friends on hanging in there from a few weeks ago to help me get out of this funk; they are keeping my head above water at this point.  I need a kick in the ass.  I really do.  I still care about the journey and completing it just have to find a good motivation for it right now.  I am about 6 pounds from the 50 mark, a third of the way through it all.

I got a phone interview with Travelers Insurance in Hartford today.  I hope that goes well.  I had one with BioClinica on Monday and haven't heard a word back, guess that didn't go well.  I'll keep looking at jobs back in New England.  I am working on learning ASP.NET MVC.

9 pounds from my goal of 50 pounds by Thanksgiving.  I wonder if I will make it.  I should be thinking about some sort of reward; maybe the president or someone important will call and congratulate me.  I can only hope (crosses fingers and toes -- Ouch!).  Thanksgiving won't be much this year as both Tina and I are on diets but the child wants a full turkey and the dressings'.  We are planning to go and see the Baylor/Tech Game that Saturday as a family at the new Texas Stadium.  Well, I say new because that's how everyone refers to it; it’s been around for a couple of years.

I see all my friends in New England fared well through Sandy; I am happy for you all.  Still would like to hear from some of you as to how specifically how you are and you know who you are.  I am getting ready for the December trip will probably at this point be spending most of it on my own just kicking about in New England seeing old haunts.  I guess I got a lot of thinking to do then.  It will give me a chance to feel the cold weather up close and personal again.  Maybe this old man might not want to get back into the cold; don't know, I know I hate the Texas summer heat and the endless non-season seasons.  (If that makes sense to anyone.)

I have been looking at jobs back in the major cities of New England and have sent a few resumes off but I think the big move is pushed off for at least a year (big sigh!).  I also have been learning new programming skills; I have an idea for a new social media site.  (Yeah, I know you've heard that before.)  Still keeping my mind busy to keep out of the doubts and let-downs.

Not much to say but it has been a long week with only one highlight and that was Saturday morning when I stepped on the scale at the gym and it read 281.8.  I am sticking to the diet, well not really a diet, just cut back (way back) on the amount of intake.  The food isn't the hard part; I am eating just about anything I want at this point just in small amounts.  I have limited myself to about 1200 calories a day, usually less.  The exercise was the problem, getting to the gym and now that has changed.  They opened the pool back up this morning at the gym close by me.  So now, I will be returning to the morning and night routines. 

I think the big problem with losing weight is the time it takes.  You only see a little bit at a time and that can be very depressing.  It's hard to see the changes in one's own body without really looking because you see yourself every day and the little changes just slip in.  Its only when you closely exam or think about the things one can do now like moving this way or that or seeing your toes do you get a sense of change.  I guess that's why a number of the books suggest taking pictures along the way.  (Gee and here I was taking pictures of the scenery!)  The exercise is hard only because of the aches and pains that comes with it but I keep telling myself it will get better and that I am just that a little closer to the end, the payoff, the reward, a thinner me.  That's what you have to keep telling yourself; well that's what I tell myself.  I do this for myself, so that I can be free to do as I please like riding roller coasts or scuba diving.  Yes, I would like to learn how to scuba dive.  I know I can do it; I set myself out to learn to dance and I did that.  Granted I don't dance that well but I do enjoy it. 


Other notes for today: I am still at 2 minutes 30 seconds for the elliptical; I swear I will get to 30 minutes some day on that son-of-a-bitch!  I worked on the second quilt last night and wasn't happy with the results.  I have to get that done by this weekend.

Working from home today.  Bad day for my nose and head, Texas allergies are kicking my ass.  God I hate Texas!  Little to no sleep last night as I was trying to wrestle my own weak mind.  I did get up at 3:45 and go to the gym, walk and swim as usual.  I am trying to stay focused on the simple task of losing weight and not let my mind wander onto other topics that plague me right now.  No solutions for those other issues at the moment so its best just to let them stew until I am stronger or ready to deal with them.

I can see a difference in my belly (I know gross for most of you) but  I can see the difference almost 40 pounds has made.  It does give me hope for a thinner me.  I am very anxious for it but I know it will take time.  Time is all I got well, at least that's what it seems like.

We had dance class last night and we started the Swing dance (God I don't like it!)  It rates up there with the Cha Cha in step difficulty specially the double turns...step forward, rock back, turn the lady, step forward, rock back, step forward, take her back for another turn, rock back, step forward and dance together.  Seems easy enough, just try doing it FAST! and with all the hand motions.  I was confused, I think I got worse as I danced more! We did end the class with a Tango which made me feel better about the evening.  I just hate the small room and the constant turning when Tangoing.  Elaine was inviting everyone to a Swing dance on Sunday but I think we are opting out, not ready for swing and I got a quilt to finish ASAP.  This quilt is taking longer as I have to press every seam I sew before working on the next and there are 280 pieces.  Yike! Once I get them all together in to the columns then the process should speed up.  Still not looking forward to Tina's quilt with the trapezoids but it will get done.  I am trying to keep myself busy and be productive with those things I like or liked to do.

Oh, the number for today is 282.6  yup skipped over another number.  I like when I do that makes me want to skip and jump for joy.  My small goal is 280 and its just around the corner.  My bigger goal is 50 pounds before Thanksgiving, what do you think, think I will do it?

284.6 this morning.  I am steadily making my way down again.  I noticed that my post a few days ago which was not a good one had a high view count and yesterday's bounce back had a very low count.  Are people more interested in reading the misery than the feel goods?  I certainly have misery in my life but I think everyone does, or at least we perceive we do.  My life isn't as bad as I think; it’s just not as I want it to be.  I think that's the case for most people.  We want so much for ourselves and yet we can't be happy with the little we are given.  Why?  That's a good question and I have been asking myself that for a while now.  Why do I feel the way I do?  Why do I hang onto the past?  Why can't I be happy with what I have been given?  I know the answers to a few of the other questions I asked myself and have been trying to act upon on them.  We have to be honest with ourselves and others.  But sometimes that honesty can get us into trouble.  I often speak before I think things through and other times I think things through way too much.  I have to find that middle ground.

Tina asked me last night "how does one live with a broken heart?"  I wasn't sure how to answer that and thought about it all last night and this morning.  I think you just do, you have to give yourself some hope, hope that things will get better.  Hope is the key to keeping one going through anything.  My hope, well, is that at the end of this journey I will find happiness, self-acceptance, and maybe one of my dreams will come true.  (Probably not but I can hope one does.)  That's what keeps me going now.  I set myself some big goals, just a few.  The first goal is to lose the weight.  The second is to find happiness.  The third goal is to move back to New England.  I set smaller ones in each of the three to help.  For the weight loss I set small goals like reaching each 10 pound increments, as well as getting my time up on the elliptical which I did 2 minutes 30 seconds (don't laugh you hardcore elliptical users, I do that after a 30 minute walk).  The happiness, I am trying to accomplish things I use to find joy in like the writing and quilting.   I do plan to try other things to see if they give me joy.  The dancing while hard right now seems to be a lot of fun; I'll admit I am not the greatest at it but it does put a smile on my face.

Yeah, I know I rambled today; lots going through my head this morning and just had to write them down.  I still wonder why the viewing count was so high for that depressing blog.

Well I am back on the treadmill of life; doing that endless walk to thinnerness.  (Is that a word?)  I got a little pep talk from a friend about not giving up.  That this is about me and FOR me.  That the reward or payoff at the end will be something, who knows what but there will be something there.  There will be at least a thinner happier healthier me at the end.  Trust me it's still hard with all the aches and pains I feel, especially in my back.  I know one payoff I pray for is that the backaches will stop.  I'll probably need a few more pep talks before this journey is done.  I was up and out the door by 4am and on the treadmill in short time.  I even did 2 minutes and 15 seconds on the elliptical.  (Yup, I am still braving that one.)  Was nice in the pool; it really helps my back and burns the calories.  I suggest to anyone wanting to lose weight that swimming is a great way to burn calories.  Yes, I am told you do sweat while swimming. 

I finished one quilt and will take it to a long arm quilter this Saturday for her to put it all together for me.  She says she can have it ready by the end of November.  I started working on the second quilt and I am going to rush that one as I hope she can get it done for my trip.  The third quilt which is for Tina will take some time; she really gave me a challenge on that one.  It's a mini Texas Star style, trapezoids and fussy angles.

Well I hit the wall.  It has been a crappy week+, from extreme fights, to losing a friendship, to having to drive 25 minutes to the gym at off hours.  I am losing the will to go on with this journey.  I can't see the end anymore, can't see why i am doing this anymore.  It's damn hard and my body aches in places i didn't know I had.  My mind works against me.   Why did i even listen or give a sh*t about this journey?  There is no reward at the end, no payoff, nothing that matters to me anymore.  I need some words of encouragement, something.  write me (mrwertgumby@aol.com), call me (4694419755), send me a telegram (ask for the address).

Last night we had dance class, we added a few more steps to the Waltz and we learned the Foxtrot basic steps.  Yes, we did TANGO!  I even got to tango with Elaine the teacher, I did well; she didn't have to correct me at all and we did do some passing in the fast lane.  I don't like the constant turning in the small room; have to work on my signals to the partner as to when I am making a slight adjustment to the direction of the dance.  Guess it takes time and practice with a partner to get the flow down.  The foxtrot steps still confused me; I will be dancing them in the halls (No peeking!).

I found I need to leave the gym by 6:15am to just beat the traffic which means getting up at 3:15am and out the door by 4.  I can't wait for the pool to be fixed at my gym, still got 2 weeks for it. 

Finished another rag quilt yesterday and this one looks really beautiful, the fraying came out better than expected for a first time wash.  The person getting this quilt will be really happy with it; can't say who because it's a Christmas present.  I do have to do the label for it and my pirate and the others I am working on.  Keep my mind busy and from wandering where it shouldn't be.  I will be writing the instructions down with pictures for the rag quilts.  I keep forgetting those little things I found helpful in making them as well as the measurements. 

I know most are bored with this blog by now.  At the rate I am going with the weight I figure I got about 8 or 9 months before I hit my final goal of more than the original 150.  I think by this Christmas I will be half way through that 150.

Not sure about this new gym, especially in the mornings.  I was up and out the door at 4am and when I left the gym at 6:20am to go home to get ready for work; the traffic had started to get bad.  Don't know how I am going to do an evening session here as well as a morning with getting up before 4am now.  Geeze, the next two weeks are going to be tough.

I am up to 2 minutes on the elliptical; I get on it after a 30 minute walk every day now and try for a little longer each time.  Is there a forwards and backwards to it?  Can someone answer that?  I feel like there is.  Boy I got real respect for those people that get on that thing and just go like a madman.

Dance tonight, I will have to practice the tango in the halls today while doing my walks.  Hope no one catches me again!  I bet I looked real silly holding my hands out and tangoing down the hall.  This class was bigger than the last class; was crowded on the floor.

I booked my flights for my trip to Boston in December.  I am arriving on the 14th around 1pm and will be leaving around 4pm on the 24th.  I will be making plans to visit anyone who wants to see an old friend.  I do plan to spend a few days in Mansfield and probably on the Cape.  I miss the ocean bad and will be just sitting on the beach watching and listening to it.

Don't know what good thing I did lately but I skipped right over 287 and went to 286.8 this morning.  I thought I was cursed and doomed after the past few days.  Went to the doctors yesterday and got some new meds to help with the depression and anxiety.  I hope it helps. I found out this morning that I do need to go to the gym in Plano an hour or so earlier, the traffic home was a nightmare even the back roads were full.  (Just two weeks.)  I am still getting use to the new gym trying to find all the machines I use.  I did find them even the one I call the standing sit up weight machine.  I've been concentrating on my stomach muscles as that is where the bulk of the fat is on me.  I hope to get the skin to go back in shape so I don't have to have surgery to remove the excess skin. (YUCK!  Sorry for that image so early in the morning.)

I am trying to settle down my mind as well as my anger, I am keeping myself busy as much as possible.  I got a few quilts done and working on more.  (Guess I have to keep one now.  :-(   )     I am still writing, it's a slow effort right now as I don't like to write in anger.  I am packing slowly, filtering through the junk.  Boy I got a lot of cross-stitch stuff and half a box of stuff to make dream catchers.   Dance class tomorrow night and I haven't practiced this week, guess I will be tangoing in the halls.  The Waltz is easy; it's just like the Rumba except for the starting step and the lady's turn.  Probably will be more different steps that will be introduced tomorrow night.

288, I haven't been here in 13 years.  I haven't given up even though last night I hit rock bottom and sank even further.  It's funny how life wants life no matter what.  You can try but it will fight for survival.  I guess I am in this till the finish of this mother-f****ing journey.  I was very much liking myself and the things I had started to do again.  I should finish those things I started.  I am truly sorry for leaning so heavy on others.

Also The pool at the gym is closed for 2 weeks and I now have to drive 25 minutes to swim.  Means getting up at 4am now and not getting home form the gym till well past 11pm in the evening.  Not sure how this is going to go for me.

Well for an Active Rest day I did pretty well, I dropped a whole pound.  I am now 290.  I guess it was the dance class because we TAAAAANNNNNNGGGGGGOOOOOOOOed!  Yes on our first class we learned the Waltz and the Tango.  Boy I tell you I was shocked, I expected to get a tango lesson closer to the 3rd or 4th week of class.  Granted it was just the initial steps, the Tango Basic and a Tango Close.  I did ok for a first time.  There were a lot more people in this class and some very enthusiastic ladies which made for a very fun class.  Tina was very good at the tango too.  I just can't wait for the belly to go away so I can really be in form for the dance, you know close and flowing as one with each other. 

The Waltz basic square is just like the Rumba except for the step you start out on and of course the turn is different.  Had a bit of a dilly of a time with that one once she added the stepping forward and turning to meet the lady half way through her turn.  I got small steps and need to step bigger to keep up.  I think this class will be more fun than the Latin dance well at least less confusing.

I didn't swim this early morning as I had to take Tina to work and will pick her up from work and take her to the airport to get a car.  She is driving with her sister and grandnephew to see Tesia this weekend.  They are going to a Tech football game...Go Raiders!  Yes I will be on my own for the weekend and I will survive (Laugh).  I plan to walk, swim, sew, pack, walk, swim, walk, swim, sew, pack, sew, walk, and swim.  Wow, I got a fun filled weekend ahead of me.   I might get a little dance practice in there too; grab the cat and whisk her around.  (Bet she will hate that and run and hide!)  I am listening to Tango music on my Pandora to get in the right frame of mind for the coming weeks.

Today is my active rest day.  No walking or swimming today.  I slept in; couldn't wake up.  I am exhausted and tired.  Tonight we start a new dance class, the waltz, foxtrot, swing, and TANGOOO.  I sure hope she starts with a nice and slow dance my calves are killing me from the strength training last night, we moved up to a purple band and NO ROPE (thank God!).  That rope is still missing at the gym, I wonder who hid it?  Must be other rope-haters at the gym.  Not much has changed on the weight still hanging around 291.

I started on several quilts and am waiting for the material to come in the mail.  So, I thought I would do some of the rag quilts I had planned over the past year to do and never did; no more laziness for me, life is too short.  The first one is another pirate quilt; it should be 48 inches by 64 inches.  I should have it done by Sunday with no problems and probably will have started another one.  Both will be a light-weight rag quilts, that's only two layers of flannel.  I still have a number of baby rag quilts left from the all those ones I did in 2010 and never sold.  Guess I should get my ass in gear and put them out there again.
 

We are asked so often "How are you doing?" that the answer seems to not matter to both you and the person asking.  Well this morning I am doing a little better that yesterday and tomorrow I should be a little better than today both physically and mentally.  Yes, I had a therapy session yesterday and I learned a few things, the biggest thing I learned was that I have been mistaken.  Yup you heard it, I said I was wrong.  Laugh but those who know me know that I will freely admit when I am wrong. (One should be able to say "I was wrong" easily so that they can fix it.)  Well I was wrong in saying that one should be selfish about this type of journey or any type of self-improvement journey.  It's not selfish, it's self-preservation; you have to take care of yourself first before you can take care of others.  If you are unhappy how can you make others smile?  If you are doing something that doesn't feel right to you and is making you miserable then STOP IT!  It's like the old Henny Youngman joke: The patient says, "Doctor, it hurts when I do this." "Then don't do that!"(Laugh)  My advice is if you are unhappy with life then change it.

I know I have issues and I am dealing with them just fine at this point with my new outlook on life and my drive to a new place to be, happiness.  I know I will have to grieve for the loss of some people (my mother, my sister, and Andrew Thomas) in my life but right now I can't stop and do that, I have some place to be and I am in a hurry. That may seem to be cowardice on my part but it is how I choose to deal with those issues at this time in my life.  As for the misplaced love, well I know that will fade as it should; it can't go anywhere and I am learning to live with that. It breaks my heart but that is life.  I can only hope a new love will fill my empty heart when I am ready, probably at the end of this journey.  Who will it be?  I don't know and won't venture to guess as I have to keep focused on this hard work, this journey itself and not the payoffs or what will happen next in my life.

I did receive some unwanted news today.  Marshall informed me that they will be closing the pool at the gym for a few weeks and I will have to go to another Lifetime Gym to swim.  It means more drive time added to the morning rush.  Hopefully it won't be that bad and some good will come of it.  I have to start looking at the bright side of things.

I also added a link to site I ma using for my daily exercise and food intake which also is tracking my weight loss.  Looks pretty doesn't it?  I know it doesn't look like I made much progress so far :-(

Today is another day, seems like an endless stream of these days; they start out on a positive step and then go downhill fast for one reason or another.  Might be the weather too, it's been cold the last few days and a bit rainy, you know the shitty kind of day here in Texas.  I am at 291.4, seem to be holding but that may be I missed a night or so and we did eat out on Sunday.  We were going to a dance on Sunday but it actually was on Saturday so we missed out on learning the Mambo.  Tina did hear of a little diner right near us that does a dance on Tuesday nights, Salsa and that sort.  We probably will check it out.  Speaking of Dance, we start the new class this week where we will be learning the Foxtrot, Waltz, Swing, and the TANGOOOO.  Wish me luck; my back has been giving me fits for two weeks now.

Today is my first day of therapy, working on my state of mind.  Should be interesting what falls out when she shakes my head.  I fear a great many things will rise to the surface and I will not be good company for a while.  I have already been doing a lot of thinking.  I am sure everyone does a lot of thinking when they are alone with themselves on the treadmill or whatever exercise.  I do more thinking while I swim and I just zone out on the treadmill.  I started sneaking a bit on the elliptical; I can do it for a minute at time and will be expanding that as I hope to use that machine in a few months when I can actually RUN!  (OK quit laughing; I know the thought of me running is funny.  The only way you could have gotten me to run before was to have a maniac with a large butcher knife chase me.)  I have great respect for those who can do the elliptical.  How do you do it, seriously?

Thought I would treat myself to something extra today.  I bought aquatic gloves and goggles.  The gloves will give my more resistance and help build those arm muscles (lord knows I need it).  The goggles are to protect my eyes from infections, my new friend at the gym, Marshall, says I need them.  He's another New Englander lost in Texas and wanting out.  He swims every morning like I do.

Please don't read if you are easily offended by my perceived selfishness or darkness.  I wrote this because I needed to get it out for me.  I wrote this for me and only me.  I need to have this there for me to read maybe in 2 months, or 5.  Who knows I just feel I need to say this now so I am reminded then as to how I am thinking now.  Confused?  So am I.

Every day is a new day and I try to approach them as that.  But I forget that I am not alone in this world and must be careful of my actions, both taken and not taken.  Everything we do and don't do has a ripple effect upon not just our own life but those around us whether we like it or not.  I have been wrestling with the battle between responsibility and self-happiness.  Which is more important?  Which does one adhere to?  Which one will win?  My journey started because of fear and a desire in me that wasn’t my own and still part of it isn’t me or at least that’s how it feels.  Yes, I tried to add to that drive and thought I could further help my cause by placing other things in my path, carrots on a strings, but they are mere illusions, fantasies, pipe dreams.  Without dreams there is no hope and for this type of journey and one needs hope, a payoff at the end or else what’s the point?  Can someone tell me the answer to that? 

I got up this morning as usual and did my thing like I have been since August 6th and today I feel as though I am just going through the motions.  I have tried to add more to my life but I am accused of doing it for the wrong reason or a misplaced reason.  Maybe I am, maybe I am not.  I don't know.  I just know I can't do it for the reasons that I feel are not in my heart at this time.  I have to be honest with myself even if it pisses off those around me.  This journey is hard, very hard.  It is a complete change of life style and can only be accomplished with the right frame of mind, my own frame of mind.  I am the one doing it, I am the one feeling the pain in my body, I am the only one who can do this.  So why shouldn't I be the one to pick the reason for doing this?  The motivation is the key to continuing, that is the real secret I have learn these past 2 months.  I snorted then at my own pride in thinking I am so smart.  I know, who am I to make this statement, only recently have I really put forth the effort to do something about my weight and life I don’t have a degree in psychology or weight loss.  I am just a fat person who reached a point in his life where I don't want to be fat anymore.  I want more from life, from myself, and for myself.  The only one who can make this truly happen is myself and I need to have a reason, a reason that is so personal that it may even seem like it's selfish.  I still hold to the belief that the rewards both small and great should be self-picked despite who doesn’t like them. 

This is hard; don't be fooled by the little man behind the curtain.  This journey has to be wanted, craved, desired for it to really work.  Failure can't be an option and I mean failure in a big way, of just giving up and not getting there.  Small slips can happen; luckily I haven’t had any yet.  (Note the little word YET, yup, I do expect to have slip ups.  I pray I don’t but I do expect them as I am only human after all.)  I don't know where I will be at the end of this journey but I know I will be thin there.  I will probably has lost everything I have now but I don't value those things I have now because I don't value myself.  I am building value in myself; I see I am able to do this, able to make the change, able to stick with this hard work.  I do want a better life and I hope, no, I know I will have one when this is done.  Tomorrow I start therapy for my anger and misplaced love.  I know I will have to lose both; I will have to learn to live without either, one I want to lose the other I am afraid to lose.  Some things in life are very hard to do but all must be done.  Hopefully I will find true happiness when it all said and done.

OK today is a new day and I feel, well, GREAT!  Guess I needed a day off from myself and the journey's work.  Back at the grind this morning early.  Did my 30 minute walk and hour swim and now ready for what the day is going to throw at me.  I am strong! I am tough!  I can do this!  I am only 2 months into this journey I still got at least 8 to go, maybe more.

I loaded my quilting software yesterday and am excited about working on some quilts.  I think it will get my hands busy with my mind, get my mind off the hardship of the journey and show me one of the things that use to make me very happy.  I found a long arm quilter to finish out the quilts and do the binding.  I think I will be using her for these next few quilts, she has a good price per square inch for it.  Someday I would love to have my own long arm machine and do the finishing, not sure I want to do the binding.  Well the binding how it really should be done, with the blind stitching.  I know that doing the double stitching with a fold back works but I think the blind stitched binding looks so much cleaner. 

The writings have been going steadily, they may not be master pieces but they do help get some of the stuff floating in my head out.  It gets pretty noisy in there sometimes; have to flush it to quiet it down every now and then.

Today didn't happen.  Nothing happened today.  I couldn't get up this morning.  I did get up at 9 or so and had breakfast and went back to bed.  Called in sick and fell asleep till 1:30pm.  My allergies kicked in and all of the emotional and physical things that have been going on caught up I guess.  I feel like shit, probably look like it too. (Laugh!)

Tonight is the last class of dance and we will be signing up for another 5 weeks of dance.  I hope we can maintain it.  I guess I will call today and start some mental therapy to help with my issues.  I got a lot of anger in me and misplaced love.  Got to sort it all out before I am good for myself let alone someone else.

We did strength training last night, we DIDN'T do the ropes.  Thank god someone hid the  rope, I hate the rope. my right arm is so weak from the shoulder problem it hurts to do the rope.  Did I mention I hate the rope?  well I do, I hate the rope! (Laugh!) Wow two laughs in one post, either I am finding my funny bone or I am going nuts.  I do so miss laughing is was a big part of my life and want it back.  Yes, I was a jolly fat person.  Go figure.  I hope to be a jolly thin person soon and be able to share that laughter with someone special.

YEAH!  my quilting software CD came today.  I can start quilting again. Maybe I will fine some peace and happiness there.  Make some wonderful quilts.

Forgot to mention that I sent blood sugar numbers to the doctors yesterday and thy cut one of my Meds in half again, the one that drives my sugar down so much.  I can't wait to be off all of the meds.  I take a fist full of pills, well most of them are vitamins and other additives to help (so they say).

Life goes on.  It goes on whether we want it to or not.  I am still on my course, still driving at this slow pace but some say it's fast.  I guess I just want it to be over with so soon.  I have set my plans into motion for my trip in December back to the Boston area.  I know I will probably only be halfway (or near halfway) but I need a break from Texas and need to begin my search of the area for job and apartment.  I have high hopes for a better future as I am putting things in order in my head for it.  My body plan is in motion and I have found a pace and a routine, so that's good.

Happy words for those who want to only see the happy smiling face of others.  Good thoughts for you and your belief. Happy Happy Happy.  There, three happy words for you and yours.

I don't care at this point who reads this or who doesn't and who I piss off.  This blog is really for me to get the words out of my head and into reality.  I will be able to look back to now and see where I was from the future when I am either siting in shit or a happy place.  So if you don't like what you read here then I would suggest you stop reading my blog.  I can't be happy with someone else's dream of what should make me happy.  It doesn't work like that, never has and never will.  I thought I had a vague plan of how I want to get where I believed my happiness was only to have it pointed out that there is no hope for my slightest dream.  No hope. wow.  I am a sad creature, aren't I?  No matter the hopelessness of it all, I have to continue on with this new life, there has to be happiness somewhere out there for me.

Happiness . . . What makes me happy?  That's big question on my mind.  I have ideas what will make me happy but most are pipe dreams.  Should I chase those dreams?  Do I take a chance for once in my life?  Do I just go for it? Try for the brass ring?  Reach out and try to grasp that dream or do I play it safe and be not happy?  Life is full of choices each day and we make the small ones without thinking much about them.  It's the bigger ones that we don't like to make, those that take us into new territory.  It's the fear of that new territory that often keeps us from making the right choice.  I have so often feared that new unknown territory and have lost out on some really great adventures I feel. I don't want to pass from this world regretting the biggest thing I know would make me happy.  I can't, I shouldn't.  I have to at least try.  I have to step out there and at least try for that brass ring or my life has been for not.  So if I get hit by the oncoming train, I can at least say I tried.  That's all anyone can do . . . is try for their true happiness.

I still believe in myself.  I still believe in this type of self-journey one is allowed to be selfish; it's the only way one can have the determination to get to the end of this fat, unhappy, painful journey.

I know she won't be there in the end so don't piss on my parade!

Survived another weekend.  I am at 292.8, that's 30 pounds officially since August 5th when all this started.  Well the exercising started the next day but that was the day my life changed, hopefully for the better.  I know it will be healthier as for happier, that remains to be seen.  I have started back up with various things I use to do that made me happy.  I am not sure what I will do with those things I am creating; guess I will see where they end up as well.  I even pulled some writings for over a decade ago that I enjoyed writing.  I spent some time editing them for spelling and grammar now that Word does an even better job of it.  And i should be getting a new copy of the quilting software later this week so I can start making some quilts other than the rag ones I have been doing.

Friday night we did go out to the club and dance.  We good, I didn't make too much of a fool of myself on the dance floor (big smile), I even got to dance with the teacher, Elaine.  She was very happy that both Tina and I ventured out; she said most people aren't as brave when they first start learning.  This week is the last class and we will be signing up for another 5 week class to learn the other dances.  So Thursday will still be dance night.  I can't wait till I am thin, I really will be able to strut myself.

Yesterday we met with the trainer and he showed us some new exercises, even playing with the big rope.  I hate the rope; god I hate the rope.  My right arm is so weak from the shoulder problems I had long time ago.  I do need to work on that arm for sure.  I must say I will be one fit son-a-bitch when it's all done with or as I was corrected, when I am at the maintenance phase of my life.  Guess I will be doing this for the rest of my life; just wish I didn't have a hint of chlorine mixed with my cologne.  Speaking of, I do need to get more Dolce & Gabbana cologne.  You think they make one that will go with the hint of chlorine? (LOL)

We went dancing late last night and had some fun.  A few people from the classes showed up.  We danced with each other and I even danced with Elaine, the instructor.  She was very proud of us for coming out.  She said most people don't even venture out this early in the lessons and she was very surprised at our showing up there as well as at the Sunday classes.  Our last lesson is this coming Thursday and we will probably be signing up for the next class to learn the Waltz, Foxtrot, Swing, and the TANGOOOO.  OK, so I get a little carried away with the word Tango.  It's fun to say and looks like it will be fun to dance.  Bet it will take me at least a year to even get fair with it.  Guess it will be a fun year to try and learn.

I went and got a hair cut today, got it really short.  (Sorry, I am not bald or near there; I have a full head of hair.)  My hair had been passed my shoulders for a while now and was getting unmanageable due to the chlorine in the pool.  Was getting very dry and my hair is usually soft and nice.  I asked my hair-dresser if the hair cut counted as weight loss, was over half a pound on the floor at least.  She said it counts so I am going with that.

Other things in life move and stand still, same as usual.  I am waiting to see what day I leave for Boston and come back.  I have 15 days of vacation this year I have to take so I might be there for over 3 weeks.  Not sure if I will end up being a pest to some or not.  Anyone up there wanting to see me need something from down here in Texas that I can bring up?

I am at 295 and holding, well with the hair cut now 294.4 or so.  Didn't go to the gym last night due to the night out dancing.  This morning I swam for an hour and tonight I probably will swim for another hour just to catch up.  Sunday we have another session with the trainer.  Hopefully we did well with the last instructions he gave up two weeks ago.

The dance class is getting smaller and smaller; just 3 couples now.  Elaine, the teacher, has invited all of us to strut our stuff at a club tonight.  So we are going out at late tonight to dance the night away.  Wish us luck and pray I don't make a fool of myself on the dance floor.

Swam an hour this morning to make up for the missed time yesterday.  295 is where I am at right now.  Moving slowly down, I so want to be shedding the pounds.  I got to drop much much more so I can look good for the December trip.  If I don't and you see me, please forgive me I am in transition.  I will be staying at my Dad's place in Kennebunk Port Maine and visiting all the old stomping grounds.  Hopefully I will get to visit with a number of old friends.

I started listening to Dr. Phil's "Self Matters" book on CD.  It's speaking to my heart and what's going on in my life right now.  I am not where I want to be.  I want to be where my happiness is.  I want to like myself and feel at peace.

Took this morning off was so damn exhausted.   I know I got to step it up.  I am making plans to go to Boston area in December for 2 or 3 weeks, not sure how long right now.  Will drop in on my Dad in Kennebunk Port Maine for a while and probably spend some time at the water's edge.  I will go and see Mansfield for a day or two just to see how the town has grown.  Also I will start looking for a job and place to live, things are moving faster.  I will be still on the diet and exercise when I am in New England for good which means I will need to find a gym with a pool, got to have my swimming.

I know this journey has only begun and it will be a long time going but I have to move on with my life as well.  Just not happy being in Texas; the damn heat and seasonless years.  I also feel my destiny is back in New England, somewhere.  I have to follow my heart even if I end up in shit.  At least I can say I tried.

Dance tonight; we have 2 more classes and then we will probably take the next 5 week beginner's class which will have the foxtrot, waltz, swing, and the TANGOOOO.  I was a bit disappointed that we didn't get the Tango this time but I will learn it.  I will learn it and be thin and hopefully be graceful on the dance floor someday.  I know this in my heart.  I have to work at it, work at life, and find my happiness.

My writing project is still going.  I write every day on it.  Probably no one will read it but it keeps me busy and my mind active.  Which I think is the whole point of it.  It gives me something to do that is completely my creation.  I would like to get back to working with my hands, crafting something, maybe a quilt or two.  I have started looking for my quilt design software; it got lost in all the computers and their crashes/deaths.  It's sad to see a computer crash and burn especially when it has so much work on it.  I think I need to be creative for me to begin to like and feel good about myself.  I need to be constructive and creative.

Keeping my mind and hands busy today.  My mind keeps wondering to the future, wanting to be there, at the end of this journey and I feel waves of anxiety coming on.  There is so much I want to do and want in my life now.  I want it all now but I can't, I have to work at it.  Things must come in order for it all to work out.  I have to lose all this weight before enjoying the fruits of my labor.  I have less than 125 more pounds to go.  That seems like a lot and sometimes over whelming at that.  Guess I am at a low state, my weight isn't moving downward as fast as I like and I am at a plateau again, sticking around 297.  Please God!  Let me do this; let me rush towards my end journey.  Guess he needs to come and shove me off this plateau.  Anyone got any words of wisdom?

We did a few minutes of dance practice last night in the kitchen.  I found I really need to be practicing the Salsa steps at work because my calves are killing me.  That quick stepping is just too much; I think I'd rather walk 30 minutes than do that for 5 minutes.  I am avoiding the Cha Cha like the plague right now.  On Sunday I really went backwards on that one.  I still get lost on the turnout steps and where to go from the spin.  I seem to be doing fine in my office but when paired up with a partner I get all flustered.  Guess I will be a Rumba man. (Giggles)  That dance I got down pat, even the turns and the 5th position.  Can't wait till I get a flatter belly to look graceful on the floor.  I imagine I must look like a big bowl of Jell-O hoping about out on the dance floor right now.  It's OK to laugh, I try to laugh at myself to keep my spirits up.

This weekend was better than most lately.  My daughter came home for her birthday and yes, I did get to have sake with her.  We took her to her favorite restaurant, a Japanese Sushi grill where they cook right there at your table.  Don't know why they server sake piss warm, I had to drop a few ice cubes in it.  I guess I am spoiled American, I like my liquor cold or at least at room temperature.  I asked the kid a long time back if she would rather have a shot of tequila but I think her soft mouth isn’t ready for that harsh stuff.  Maybe in a year or so when I celebrate the end of this journey.

We did go to another dance class on Sunday, just went over the steps we already knew for the four dances she has been teaching us.  I am still a bit confused on the Cha Cha.  Tina says we need to practice together every night this week; guess my office dancing isn't working as well as I thought.  The teacher mentioned something about an outing on Friday night and Tina would like to go.  I am a little worried about strutting my stuff on the dance floor in front of others; but I will get over it.  I am still off balance with this weigh but I hope that after losing all this weigh I will be graceful on the dance floor.

I'll been working on that project I thought would help get my sense of humor.  It seems to be well liked by a few who I have let read the rough draft.  Tina has been sneaking peaks at the whole thing on the computer and says I am doing great.  Not sure if she is a good judge as she is biased to my writing, she has always liked my writing and humor.  It was one of the things that drew her to me.  Someone once said, "People judge us by the words we use."  I have always tried to speak my mind with a bit of a sense of humor to cut the sharpness of those words sometimes.

Dance, Dance, Dance.  Two more classes left and I think we will be signing up for the next 5 week class for beginners; that one will have the waltz, foxtrot, swing, and the TANGOOOO.  We didn't get to the new steps Tina and I learned on Sunday but we did go over the 5th position for the rumba which I forgot about and didn't practice this week (hangs head in shame).  I was so focused on the ChaCha and getting them steps down specially the turnouts and spin.  Tina wants me to practice more with her as she says she can't feel my rhythm, I told I couldn't either as I am still trying to find it. (Laugh!)  This dancing has shown me I have to work on my balance and calf muscles, especially for the fast salsa (thought my feet were going to fall off). Will have to look for some sort of exercise to help with the calves.  Tina and I both agree the rumba is our favorite dance; it's easy enough and seems to go with any style of music, fast or slow.  And we look fabulous doing it!

Beginning to think about my move back to New England. Where will I move to?  What stuff will I keep and take with me?  How to find a job and what to live on while I am looking?  Lots of questions and lots of things to do to get there. Gives me something to think about while walking and swimming.  It seems so far away right now but time is moving faster and faster as we get older.  I need to strike while the iron is hot, step out and be brave and do those things I should have done a long time ago.  I have to take a chance before it's too late.  I have this feeling that my happiness lies somewhere back in New England.  Any thoughts or advice?

Added Note:  I finished my Web Mobile App class today with a final score of 97.  got 2.4 CEU.  Probably got enough of them to get another degree or two.

I am below 300 now and have my eyes on the next milestone.  I think I may be there by Thanksgiving at the rate I am pushing myself.  The aches and pains are worth the number of little hoorays I have had over the past month and half.  I still can't look at the whole journey as it is a long path in front of me and sometimes it looks over whelming but I stay the course.  I have to; no one can make this journey for me and it is only I who will reap the rewards at the end of it.  What the rewards will be I have my doubts now.  I see a number of possible outcomes but I can't and shouldn't focus on them or else I will stumble in the here and now.  I have to stay in the here and now and push on.  I know it's a day to day living but at this time in my life I am rebuilding and that rebuilding takes time.  It took time to a lot of time to get where I was at the beginning of this journey and it can't be solved over night or with the wave of a wand.  Oh if it were so easy as that; would it be valued to me after it was done?  I doubt it.  As I taught my daughter, the things we work hard for have more value than those things that are just handed to us. 

Tonight is dance night and I have been practicing the ChaCha steps.  Hopefully I will do better tonight than on last Sunday.  I am having fun with the dancing even though I still suck at it.  It does make me smile and that's a good thing these days as smiles are a rarity.  I have started a new project to help me with my sense of humor and I look forward each day not to working on it.  Maybe at the end of all this I will be thin, laughing, and smiling.

298!!!!!  I was worried.  When I got out of bed this morning I weighed myself and it read 300.2 and I was depressed.  Went to the gym and walked for 30 minutes with an incline at 2.5% for most of it and the last 5 minutes at a 5% incline.  I then swam my 30 minutes.  When I got home to shower and get ready for work I stepped on the scale and it read 298; I had to get off quickly and try it again.  You it read 298 that second time.  So its official I broke the 300 mark and now heading for the 250 mark.  I am shooting for before Thanksgiving to be there.  I am sore and aching but very very happy.  I am waiting for the special congratulatory phone call from the president.


The baby arrived yesterday and I was OK.  She was a little scared of the new place she was in but is now exploring it all and getting into everything.  Boy, you don't realize just how unbaby a house is until one shows you.  The cat isn't happy; she has already swatted at the baby.  The baby sure wants to play with the fat cat but Scrapper isn't having anything of that, just runs off to the bedroom and hides.  Tesia should be home Friday for her official 21st birthday celebration, she wants us to take her out to a sushi bar where she can have sake with me.  Tina and I are a little scared of eating out of the house for the first time since we started this dieting and exercise.

OUCH!  Well, I hit 300.4 this morning and praying tomorrow I cross a milestone.  Last night was strength training night so we walked for only 15 minutes and then did the strength machines then! the core training exercises (OUCH!) and I was am to squeeze out 30 minutes in the pool.  Boy am I exhausted; I hurt in places I didn't I know I had.  Believe it or not I am where I was over 10 years ago in weight.  Gee you think I could get back to my original weight . . . 6 pounds 5 ounces? (smirk)  Got a little more of that piss and vineger in me this morning and hoping it fills me up.  I want that sense of humor and laughter back.

Yes, I did practice the ChaCha yesterday in my office; still trying to get the turnouts down.  Way to much foot work and hands and hips, it's all confusing!  The baby will be here today, both Tina and I are praying I don't have a breakdown from it.  Just have to remember if I do to suck back them tears and be strong.

  

(Giant Baby on the beach!)

This weekend was very hard and long.  I cleaned the pool filters Saturday to make the hot tub nice and bubbly and working at its peak performance for the coming visitors.  Helped Tina move the furniture and Shampoo most of the house carpet.  We also took the oldest cat to the vets to be put to sleep.

  On top of all that I had asked Tina for a divorce last Wednesday night.  I have become disillusioned with the marriage and it has been that way for a number of years.  I had numbed myself to all feelings to get through life.  It isn't one specific thing but a number of things but Tina feels it is because of the feelings I have for a person from my past that is once again in my life as a friend only.  I know that person will only be a friend to me and nothing more and at least that makes me happy and gives me something to live for at this low time in my life.  I say this now because Tina has been posting a status on FaceBook and I feel I needed to at least say something.  I am sorry for how I feel towards Tina at this time and am ashamed of it but I can't change how I feel, I can't go on living in such an unhappy mindless empty state.  I know I have to change myself and learn to love myself before I can truly love another person.  I pray to God and hope he still hears my prayers that I will find myself at the end of this journey happy and able to love.  I look for no pity or shoulder to cry on; this is my mess and I must clean it up.  I write this for no one but my future self to remember what I went through at this time in my life.

Enough of the depressing stuff.  I weighed in at 301.4 this morning.  Yesterday we met with the trainer and he took us through an hour of exercises that we need to add to our weekly strength training nights.  These exercises will help tighten up our core muscles and help get some balance to our changing bodies at least that's the line he gave us. (Personally, I think he got a kick out of seeing this fat old man balanced on a Bosu ball like a trained seal.)  We also had another dance lesson in the evening.  We learned a few more steps to the ChaCha, a turnout is what she called it.  I am totally lost on those dance steps guess I will need to Google them later today and practice in my office.  I seem to be doing a lot of dancing in my office. (Thank God for doors!)

Last night was the second dance class and we learned a new dance plus some added steps to the rumba.  We learned a step out ladies' spin to the rumba and a 90 degree turn from that spin.  We also learn the beginning steps to the ChaCha, not sure I am going to like that one.  (Those steps are complex!)  I will have to practice in my office all next week to get the ChaCha down.  Boy my ass and hips hurt from all that dancing.  Tina did great considering she is still dizzy.  I tried to keep the spinning to a minimum but the teacher likes spins.

I edged a little closer to the 300 mark; hopefully I will be in the 200's soon.  It was raining this morning while we walked and I swam, just a light rain.  I also moved up in hand weights that I carry in the office; I am now at 5 pounds each hand.  Other events have started as well which will be taxing on a lot of people.  I am still focused on the journey, day to day, and will continue to its end.  I have to, there is no question about it.  I just have to get to the other side of this journey.

Not been good days for Tina since Sunday, she has a constant dizziness.  I took her to the doctor yesterday morning and he prescribed motion sickness pills and a few other pills to deal with my dumb ass.  She has been in bed since yesterday morning with the covers drawn over her head.  I hope she is feeling better real soon specially for tomorrow.......WE DANCE!  We haven't had time the past few days to practice together but I dance every day in my office; I close the door and turn on the Latin music and dance my feet off.

I've had a rough few days as well, my back is flaring up but I am trying to work through the pain.  I got a deadline and I so want that reward, that prize, that life at the end of this journey as soon as possible.  I also started to look in the New England area at the programming job market; looks like there is more C# than VB.NET positions so I am brushing up on my C#.  I am still taking the class on the mobile app development and still looking for that great mobile app.  (Any suggestions?)  Not much else is going on; just keeping my eyes down and marching to a thinner me.

This morning was a cold one for Texas, was in the 60's.  Did my walk and swim with no problems.  My pool was warmer than the gym's pool last night.  I couldn't swim for the full hour last night; my muscles ached from the cold.  Yesterday was a good and bad day, we met with the trainer and he gave us suggestions, I need more water and Tina needs to put salt in half of hers (YUCK!) and we both need 1 more serving of veggies.  He is very pleased with what we have been doing for the past month.  Tina is down over 30 pounds and me well, I weighed in at 304.2 this morning so you do the math. ;-)   I am feeling the aches and pains all in my back and tonight is strength training night.  The Trainer also wants us to have 1 day of active rest, no exercising (boy, that's going to be tough for me as I got a big fire under my ass!).  We decided that it would be Thursdays as we have dancing on that night and it's awfully hard to get to the gym after dance, the dance class is on the other side of the city.

Speaking of dance, I got the steps down for all three dances and we cleared a place in the kitchen to dance.  Now we got a hard floor to practice on, YEAH!  We even went and got Tina some new dance shoes; we danced in the store to try them out and drew a crowd. (Blush.)  It felt good, no one laughed, just smiles.

The bad part of the day was the movie we saw, The Odd Life of Timothy Green.  It's a very good movie, very touching.  Don't expect to see this as a block-buster but it will be a silent favorite for most of us adults.  The move touched a very sore spot in both our hearts.  I don't normally cry while watching movies. (It's a guy thing!)  Well, I did all through this movie, we both did and after the movie we had very long cry when we got home.  Enough of the heartache talk and back to the journey at hand.  I am the ever more determined to complete this as fast as I can.  I am hoping to see 299 this week!

It is a cold wet morning.  Guess we had a storm blow through the night and we didn't even hear it.  It blew the pool furniture around, umbrella ended up in the pool and a chair cushion.  The water was still warm as bath water even though it was a cold rain.  Tina got in the pool with me this morning and we practiced a few dance steps, we both are still a little confused on the rumba (I'll have to look up the steps online).  The Merengue and Salsa were good, we were in step and practiced a few turns.

305.8 this morning and blood sugar was at 77 and I still feel fine.  Didn't have dinner last night, didn't feel like it or guess needed it.  Guess I should eat a small breakfast to get the day's chores done.  Not much else worth posting about right now.

Christmas of '13

Last night was a blast.  It was much better than either of us expected and NOBODY laughed at us.  Everyone in the class was just as silly stumbling about to get the steps right.  I think I did pretty well as I got compliments from the other ladies in the class, we rotated partners all night.  It was almost impossible to spin Tina in sneakers so the Teacher, Elaine, gave her some slip-on things to go over the end of her sneakers to allow her to spin.  Tina had a great time and dance like an angel!  She put me to shame in the dancing. We learned the basic steps for the Rumba, Merengue, and the Salsa.  Just he simple basic steps and a spin added to each of them.  Now I know how dance partners signal each other when to spin.  The man is in charge and the woman follows (she doesn't have a wave-off signal).  The spins might be a bit of trouble as she is an inch or so taller than me (yeah I am short! What of it?).

We didn't walk last night as we decided the dancing for an hour counted as our 30 minute evening walk.  I did swim last night for an hour at 10pm in our pool.  Water was very warm almost like bath water.  It's been hot all week here in Texas.  Tonight is back at the gym for 30 minute walk, 30 minutes of strength training, and then 30 minutes of swimming.  We found a great machine that helps with the tummy muscles, like doing sit-ups while standing.

I am sitting here eating my breakfast thinking about the day coming, especially tonight (WE DANCE!) and wondering who is really reading this and what you are thinking.  308 is what the scale said this morning, I guess the scale decided to be on my side.  Tina keeps asking me what little reward do I want when I pass the 300 mark and I really don't know.  I haven't even thought about it, I have been so concentrating on the everyday exercising that I can't look past tomorrow or the next day.  Any suggestions?  Remember this has to be for me, and me alone, and no food rewards.  I decided that last week, I got a cream soda bottle left and just keep pushing it away.  I have no desire to drink it which is strange to me.  I still have no cravings for the sweets or foods I haven't been eating.  I guess once you find that reason, cause, self-motivation it really does make a difference.  Don't get me wrong, every day is a struggle with this all but most of that is I want to be at the other end of this journey now.  This is a very long journey and sometimes it seems impossible but I continue.  I want that reward, that prize, that life at the other end of this journey.

Remember you can comment here, on FaceBook, or even email me at MrWertGumby@aol.com.

Well I did have a small victory yesterday.  I had a call into my doctors about the blood sugar drops and they reduce one of my medicines in half.  (YEAH!)  I was 310 this morning so I am back on track (crosses fingers).  Tonight we will be strength training.  We decided to switch up the nightly routines to Monday, Wednesday, and Friday being weights so those nights we will walk for 30 minutes, row for god knows how long (probably till my arms fall off!), then do the weights on the tummy and upper body and then end the night with a 30 minute swim.  (I do love my swimming.)  The other nights we will be doing the 30 minute walk and I will do an hour swim and Tina is doing either more walking or weights, she can't decide.

Thursday is tomorrow, that's Dance Night.  I am so excited about it I keep thinking today is Dance Night.  Tina is worried she will look funny or just can't dance.  I can't wait to drop all this weight and TANGOOOOO.  Who wants to TANGOOOOOOO?  We do plan to dance on the cruise ship in December; I should have at least dropped 50 pounds by then.  (Maybe more, God I pray I drop more!)

Any words of wisdom pass them on and if you are too on a journey like mine let me know.  Always good to encourage others.

Was a tough weekend as we worked at the gym and cleaned the bedroom of things.  We are clearing the house of things to get ready to sell it and move our butts to New England, most likely Maine near my Dad.  Last night I collapsed and could not move a muscle.  Tina started me on weight training in the morning and I almost passed out in the pool doing my laps. (Stop laughing!)  We decided to rethink the work outs as I had been pushing it since I hit the plateau and even fell up the hill by a few pounds. (No I didn't cheat at all on the calories.)  I had increased the walking at the gym to 30 minutes for a total of 60 for the day and an hour both in the morning and evening.  (No wonder why I collapsed last night.)  I am still determined to get this weight off as fast as I can.  I have to call the doctor today as my blood sugar keeps dropping to 50.

It's been a month since the event and I am still determined and focused on the weight loss.  It is the main thing in my mind right now.  I am amazed at the fact I have not had a single craving or thought about sweets or a snack.  Guess I am still running scared.

Thursday we start the Ballroom sampler class.  Both Tina and I are excited to learn and also worried that we will look very silly.  We promised each other we would not laugh at the other.  So don't you laugh at us either or my Tina won't dance with me.

Keep strong, keep alive, and keep the dream going.  I can do this. I have to do this.  I will do this.

Well, I did it again, went to bed without a bread for dinner and my blood sugar dropped drastically.  I woke in a fright from a bad dream and realized something from my past.  I remembered all those times as a child and a teen waking the same, in hot sweat, heart pounding, no focus, ringing in my ears, an anxiousness all over with the tingling.  All this time I thought it was fear, fear of something going to get me in the night.  It was low blood sugar, poor nutrition.  I didn't know about eating right and growing up poor as church mice we could afford better meals.

I am still at the plateau, it worries me.  Tina and I went to the gym this morning after our walk and my swim.  I forgot that it was Saturday and we had an appointment with a trainer there, nice gal.  Told her up front we didn't want to be given any sales pitch that we were serious and didn't want to be jerked around.  We go back Tuesday to finish up with a plan of action to get on course for what we have to do.  I got to lose all this weight before Christmas of  '13, just have too.  We are working on this together, Tina and I, hopefully we wont kill each other on this trip.  I still check my food for broken glass (LOL, laugh that's an inside joke!).

We got things to get done around here, get this place cleaned up to sell it and move back to the New England coast.

Believe or not, this was me in 2005 on our honeymoon cruise and I was about 350+ then.  Alot of time since then and alot of things have changed in our lives.  We were very happy then and will get back to that.  Aint she a beautiful lady?


Christmas of '13

We went to the gym last night.  I walked for 20 minutes and swam for an hour in the nice long long pool.  (Was good not to have to keep turning.)  Tina walked for 64 minutes, she was very pleased.  I reached a plateau, 309.6.  I am not letting it get to me, I am still in driving mode, walked and swam this morning even after having woken to a 50 blood sugar.  Got to keep in there, got so far to go.  Got things to get done and places to go.   I do feel a difference in my body.  I feel thinner than a few weeks ago, I know that may sound silly but I do.  I have a little more spring in my step and my legs don't hurt by the time the walk is done. 

I started that list of things I know are helping me stay on course.  If you got any suggestions please send them my way.  Thanks.

Had to rush home to let the pool dude in to replace the pump on the pool.  Its the fourth one we've had on this pool.

I got the website started.  I redid my WertPGumby.com website.  It's just a start.

This seems to be getting depressing.  I am sorry.  I will change that.  I awoke this morning with new vigor to my personal journey.  I have been thinking about how to get the most out of what I am doing with the weight loss.  I am averaging about half a pound a day and would like to see more.  I so want to be at the end of my journey, that prize, that reward, that life that awaits for me on the other side of this fat path.  It seems so far away I sometimes wonder if I will ever make it. But that desire, yearning, craving, I don't know what to call it, still resides deep within me.  I feel it like a little thing in the pit of my tummy.

I wish I had this a decade ago, or two, but it is here now and I am thankful for that or else I would not have the strength or will power to do this.  I honestly believe for anyone to make this hard journey it must be for something so personal that it may seem selfish.  It’s the motivation, the reason, the cause that I have read in many articles about weight loss that makes the difference.  So, I say if you are wanting to make this hard journey, and it is hard, you have to look within yourself and find a reason for you and you alone to do this.  You can't do this for anyone else, it has to be for yourself, that way you won’t feel the need to cheat or give up.  I still believe the rewards along the way also must be selfish in nature to help you want to reach those little mile markers.  I haven't set any smaller goals/rewards as of yet and I should as I will be pass the 300 mark soon.  I know that may sound like not a major deal but it is, at least to me.

We got that gym membership last night, Lifetime Fitness.  They were having a special.  I use to go there in 2004-2005 to swim but gave it up when we got the pool.  We plan to go tonight probably after 7:30, wait for the crowd of beautiful people to go home.  I plan to do the 20 minute walk and then an hour swim there to start and then will add some other things once the tummy begins to go away.

I have started to make a list of things that have helped me in these few weeks of just losing 13+ pounds and surely would appreciate helpful hints for anyone else.  Thought they might help someone else or even the future me.

Christmas of  ’13

309.6,  I passed 310 in one night.  I feel good about it but I am still confused in my head.  I stopped blogging cause it was hurting Tina and Tesia.  I tried so very hard to be care about the words I had been choosing but I seem to upset them anyways.  I figured just not posting my blogging would help but that one day of not sharing was questioned.  I was told I could continue to write and was never asked to stop.  I blogged yesterday, a story about me, to me, and how I need to get my shit together.  I was talking to myself, I am trying to work out my demons.  I am sorry I am not on other's time schedule, I just can't "Quit it."  I am sorry for thinking of myself.  This has been a part of me for so long. I have dragged this through my life as I did the weight and both will take time to shed.  I know this in my heart to be true.  I am not a stupid man, just a foolish one who has awoken to the voice of God.  I have to let it all go into his hands and trust I will be fine in the end where ever this journey ends.  Everyday is a struggle not to give up, not step in front of a truck while on a walk.  I fear that little whimper I made may have already lost my lovely bone.  I may have already lost it all but I still have this overwhelming urge, desire, motivation to lose all this weight before Christmas of '13.  I know there is something other than myself driving me.  It scares me sometimes.  I put my head down and drive forward as I did in the rain last night.

I am still on the journey.  I know I cant quit or I will NOT make it, what ever it is.  I will be going to Lifetime to sign up for a membership before Friday.  I need to have a place to swim when it gets cold and it will get cold very soon.  The swimming is helping the weight come off and helps me numb my mind at times.  Am I a fool rushing to nowhere?  Where is this journey going to take me?  I pray to God it takes me back to the New England coast.  I hate Texas.  I feel the need for the ocean to be my background, to feel that ever present pounding of the ocean's waves.  To hear those sounds, I long for that and other things.  I know I can have that at least.  The other things I will never have, they are not in my control.  I pray to God for peace of mind and to help me lose this weight and deal with my demons.  He seems to be answering me now, I see that with the weight.  I guess, he never really turned his back on me but I turned my back on him.  I pray before meals now, thankful for the things he has given me and to help me stay focused on the journey, the task. 

Christmas of  '13

Today I hit 310.6; tomorrow I will see 310 at the rate I have been going.  I am assured that the amount should start increasing as I add more and more exercises and stretches, nothing to tax myself into pain at first but enough to get my body forming itself into what it needs to be.  I didn't blog yesterday as I had a troubled heart and mind and the words would do no one any good to see them, not even me.

"I want what I can’t have, and ignore that I do have.  I will lose that I have for the desire of something I cannot have.  I am a fool."  That runs through my mind over and over.  I am that little dog in one of Aesop's Fables, whose desires get the best of him.  The story has many versions and this is how I tell it.

One day a small dog was rewarded with a lovely bone by his master.  That little dog took it to his favorite chewing spot on the top of a hill.  He had to cross a river to get to that favorite spot.  As he crossed that river he looked down into the calm blue waters and saw another dog with a lovely bone.  Oh how he desired that bone, it was lovely.  It sparkled from the waters at him, calling to him, enticing him, he thought.  He must possess that bone forgetting he had a lovely bone of his own.  He barked loud and the other dog dropped its bone and his own bone disappeared into the calm blue waters of that river.  The dog realized in his own haste for a mere reflection he lost his own prize.  He did cry.  He cried aloud, "Woe is me.  I am fool to chase after phantoms and lose my own prize.  I am without now and have nothing."

I too bark at phantoms and will surely lose my own rewards.  I am a fool.  I was a foolish young man and I have grown into an old fool.  I must learn to be happy what God has blessed me with and let those things I can never have go.  This is hard, harder than losing the weight.

Christmas of  '13

Yesterday was hard as I struggled all day with my blood sugar, as it kept dropping well below the safety mark, and our daughter was leaving to make drive back to Lubbock.  Tesia was stressed not only from leaving her folks but her cat decided that it was the day to fine that perfect hiding spot to sleep soundly.  We searched the entire house four times, each, probing into the dark corners of our home to no avail.  When Gizzy sleeps, she sleeps soundly and is dead to the world.  Gizzy on cue at the last possible moment for Tesia to leave appeared as if from thin air with her broken little cheerful meow.  Tina and I got Tesia off with tears in our eyes and returned to our new rhyme of life.  We are working at closing that gap.  We laid in bed last night caressing each other and soothing our worries for our daughter as she traveled through a big storm here in Texas.    Safely at her apartment she texted us a simple word, "Homesy".    With our child safe in her new home, we slept in each other's arms till the morning.

With new gust and vigor we got up and did our walk together and swim.  I got my full hour in this morning as we will be cleaning the pool and adding chemicals that would keep me from my swimming for 24 hours.  I am worried, a little, over the fact I will not be able to swim for 24 hours.  What pushed me this morning to swim that extra 30 minutes was stepping on the scale before my walk and it read 310.4. (Yes! I can now see the scale without much effort and my toes look wonderful too!)  I stepped on it twice more just to be sure and it read 312.6.  My official weigh in is 312, after walk and swim.  As Tina and I walked talked she told me she was very happy to see my face light up when I read that 310.4 and reminded me that I will be there in just a few days at the rate I am going.  Its good to have someone while walking, I told her of a dream I had been having for the past 3 nights.

That dream began on a Sunday morning in late fall a few years from now, I was a minister (I know, some of you just snorted your coffee.  Sorry.)  We were in Maine, living in a small cottage next to my father's larger house, with an big beautiful ocean in our backyard.  Our garden was between the homes and I was there before service picking the last of the tomatoes.  I filled several baskets and took them to church where I gave a sermon on love and children using my garden's harvest as the example.  I know the sermon I gave and wont go into detail here.  I will write it out for myself as I have been doing with other thoughts.  I share those extra thoughts with my wife and others who are interested.  I am not here to preach or sway anyone to my God.  This is for me, is a way to say the words, keep them, I need to say and get them out into the world.  If no one listens, that's OK because I am writing these words so I know where I was along this journey and can see what a fool I may have been and what I was thinking along the way.  To remind me of the journey and what I learned on its path and to keep me from falling into such misery again.

I am a good man and try to do good things but, I will freely admit I am not a man with God and haven't been since I was a very young man.  I turned my back on God for events that sadden my heart greatly and have felt he was punishing me for a great sin I had committed so long ago.  I look back now and see he didn't leave me but I left him.  He blessed me, even in my first marriage we had good times but it was doomed from the start and I knew that in my heart.  God then blessed me with such greatness that I forgot that torment I put myself through.  God brought Tina and Tesia into my life, to fill it with such joys I had never known.  I look back and want to get my heart right with God and return to those joys.  I know I have to get my heart right with him and through his strength in me I can and will defeat my own demons in my head that have held me back for decades.

Christmas of '13

This is a hard morning for me, a very hard morning, both physically and mentally.  My blood sugar crashed this morning , 57 and dropping.  I haven't done my exercises yet, still trying to physically get my body capable of doing it.  My body is determined and wanting to this, that is still there.  (Thank God.)  Last night two very emotional things happened, the first a little bump in the circle of life, the second a personal hurdle I had to make.

We have 3 cats who like to hunt and bring their prey home, both alive and dead.  It is my job as the man of the house to take care of these things.  If you have cats you probably deal with this and know that it is a high honor to you for them to bring the prey home alive.  I know I have the tender touch of healing as I have mend many of the small helpless animals they bring us, birds, rats, mice, rabbits, and geckos.  The joke in my house is I am "The Gecko King."  Last night Gizzy, our youngest and mightiest hunter, brought in a small young rabbit.  I took it away from her immediately and held that poor creature in my hands, caressing it and comforting it.  It was gasping for air and let out a few screams.  I imagine those were its cries for its parents.  My wife and I cried a bit when it died in hands, my healing hands I so believed.  That's the circle of life.  It wasn't killer of a moment just a small bump as I said but it reminded me of my roll I took on in this family as a father, the protector of this home.

Last night I had have that talk with my daughter, Tesia, before she went back to college.  A talk about what has been going on with her Daddy, this battle, this hard journey I must make, my selfishness.  I told my daughter what happened to me on August 5th and started this journey I am on and can NOT stray from.  I tried to explain to her what emotions are brewing in my head and how I am battling my own demons every day, every hour, ever minute.  That I am not ignoring her or her mother but I am fighting not only for myself but for them.  I don't want to lose them.  I don't have plans to leave them on my path.

Tesia, I am sorry I was selfish for wanting a reward I should have never asked for or wanted.  I know I will pay a price each and every day in your heart and your mothers.  I stumbled, forgive me my dearest child, I am only human.  I know you have placed me in a high honor position in your life,  you have given me that title of Father.  I am so very proud of you and those things you have done and will do.  Tesia, I feel I have failed you at teaching you that you must have great compassion for others, we all are human and will make mistakes and fail many times.  I know I choose a reward that was very selfish and I shouldn't have.  I will find another reward that will not hurt you or your mother.  Trust in my words, I have no plans to leave you or your mother on this path or at its destination.  I just know I have to make this journey of losing all this weight before Christmas of '13 and then I will be able to find my happiness.  I am truly sorry for being selfish for but a moment in my life.  I will do this.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

This morning was not a good one.  The beast won that round; she reached out and shook my serenity.  I let my guard down.  It stemmed from yesterday’s event, the ticket court.  Needless to say I did not win; I didn’t even get a chance to voice my side.  I took the deal, the safest way out, cheap and nothing against my driving record.  I was strongly urged to take it as I would never win because the city had made sure no one could win that situation.  I was pissed, to say the least.  I went to bed early not taking my nightly snack to carry my blood sugar level through the night and into the morning.  I, without thinking, had taken the medicine that drives that sugar level down as well.  I got up and my sugar was extremely low, so I was drained of my strength.  An old college friend of mine posted a video of his favorite vacation spot, a home right there on the beaches of Maine.   Thank you Chris, it was a lovely video.  My wife and I watched it and I broke down hearing the sounds of the beach I so miss very much.  The gentle washing of the waves against that beautiful grey sand, the screech of a seagull, it got to me.  The memory of it crashed into my soul like one of those waves and gave that beast a chance to lash out at me. 

When I was first dating Tina, she took me to the coast of Texas.  I had never been to the coast of Texas for the 20+ years I had been in Texas.  I was expecting what I had felt in Maine, at her beaches, and I was let down.  My wife was so proud of the beaches here in Texas, she had never know my mistress of the oceans.  I tried to explain to her how it didn’t measure up, how the sights and smells were beyond description and comparison.  She wasn’t happy.  I took Tina and Tesia on a road trip a year or so later to Maine to visit my Dad in Kennebunk Port, Maine.  I showed them the beaches; they fell in love with her.  Tina understood what I meant and agreed that the New England coast was a little slice of heaven here on earth.  It was the first disagreement I won with my wife and would be the only for years. (Smile.  Laugh now.)  You married men know what I mean, we do not win many of those battles, we are wrong even when we are right.  I am still trying to figure that one out. 

I still wrestle with that beast this morning.   I did my walk and my swim with that ever determination to get to my goal, my prize, my reward, my LIFE.  I am at 314 and still have a long hard journey ahead of me.  I am the only one who can make this journey.  I have to be strong not only for myself but those loved ones around me.

Christmas of ‘13

314.8! Yes that’s what the scales said after my walk and swim this morning.  I am slowly doing it, one step at a time.  I will reach my goal, my prize, my reward, my life.  Today my mind is elsewhere.  On things it shouldn’t be and worrying about things that are close at hand.  I have a court date today for a ticket I received last month, one I feel I didn’t deserve.  I will pay the fine but I would like my day in court.  Wish me luck or pray for me which ever you do best.

To anyone out there watching my slow hard journey and wanting to make your own journey, all I can say is you have to find that motivation, that reason, that cause for you and you alone.  It will take a great many steps to get there but you deserve that reward, that prize, your life, your happiness.  Your journey may not be losing weight, it maybe something else.  We each have many journeys in our lives, paths that lead to somewhere we believe is happiness.  We often fear to stray down those paths for fear of being lost.  I know it has kept me from my true happiness at times, that fear.  I carry so much baggage with my heart and I wonder if I am a tormented soul, not to know or have what I want in my heart.  I think this long hard journey I am on is more than just the weight loss, it’s more. I will get through all of this, I have to.  Slay that which torments, my own personal demons.

Christmas of '13.