309.6,  I passed 310 in one night.  I feel good about it but I am still confused in my head.  I stopped blogging cause it was hurting Tina and Tesia.  I tried so very hard to be care about the words I had been choosing but I seem to upset them anyways.  I figured just not posting my blogging would help but that one day of not sharing was questioned.  I was told I could continue to write and was never asked to stop.  I blogged yesterday, a story about me, to me, and how I need to get my shit together.  I was talking to myself, I am trying to work out my demons.  I am sorry I am not on other's time schedule, I just can't "Quit it."  I am sorry for thinking of myself.  This has been a part of me for so long. I have dragged this through my life as I did the weight and both will take time to shed.  I know this in my heart to be true.  I am not a stupid man, just a foolish one who has awoken to the voice of God.  I have to let it all go into his hands and trust I will be fine in the end where ever this journey ends.  Everyday is a struggle not to give up, not step in front of a truck while on a walk.  I fear that little whimper I made may have already lost my lovely bone.  I may have already lost it all but I still have this overwhelming urge, desire, motivation to lose all this weight before Christmas of '13.  I know there is something other than myself driving me.  It scares me sometimes.  I put my head down and drive forward as I did in the rain last night.

I am still on the journey.  I know I cant quit or I will NOT make it, what ever it is.  I will be going to Lifetime to sign up for a membership before Friday.  I need to have a place to swim when it gets cold and it will get cold very soon.  The swimming is helping the weight come off and helps me numb my mind at times.  Am I a fool rushing to nowhere?  Where is this journey going to take me?  I pray to God it takes me back to the New England coast.  I hate Texas.  I feel the need for the ocean to be my background, to feel that ever present pounding of the ocean's waves.  To hear those sounds, I long for that and other things.  I know I can have that at least.  The other things I will never have, they are not in my control.  I pray to God for peace of mind and to help me lose this weight and deal with my demons.  He seems to be answering me now, I see that with the weight.  I guess, he never really turned his back on me but I turned my back on him.  I pray before meals now, thankful for the things he has given me and to help me stay focused on the journey, the task. 

Christmas of  '13