Truth and honesty of our hearts, that's all we have and can control.  Each of us hides some truths deep in our hearts, things we believe, desire, love, hate and we choose either to hide it or show it to the world.  Those who show it the world are are labeled as overly emotional, traumatic, delusional, attention seekers, greedy, needy.  You know all the words, both the good and bad adjectives, we all do.  We all have people in our lives who wear their hearts on their sleeves.  For the longest time I didn't.  My first wife for first 10+ years of our marriage would always ask me to show her some emotion, tell her how I felt about her, be more romantic, do this, do that.  At that time in my life I didn't know how,  I was young, young at heart and age.  I was a very stupid young man like most men at that age.  We, men, stumble through life thinking we are defined by how we provide for our loved ones and miss out on the actual life.  Life that we can never get back, life that is so more precious than gold or status.

It wasn't till my older brother, Brian, had been murdered on his way to see me and well, my mother said something horrifying to me, the most horrifying thing a child could hear from a parent. That's when my emotions burst forward from my heart and soul.  My world fell apart.  I was unskilled in handling them as most men are, you ladies are allowed to cry.  But men crying, woah, that's a big no no.  I know you are shaking your head and saying, "Michael, men can cry, it's allowed."  Not really.  We men know the reality and its burned into our heads that this is a sign of weakness and a man could never, should never, show weakness for the wolves of life would tear his soul  apart, eat him up and take all that is his.  I don't know where this comes from, who taught us this, but it is there.  We are suppose to be the providers, the strong one, the protector and any sign of weakness and we could lose it all.  If you ladies doubt this, take your man, your father, any man to a deep dark quiet place that no other man can hear and ask them about this and if he is honest he will tell you this very truth. This truth is one I struggle with everyday, I want so much for my family, those material things, a roof over their heads, food in their bellies, energy to keep them warm and safe.  I want my daughter to be happy.  I do love them, my family, but this fear keeps me sometimes from being there when they need me and I am ashamed, I beat myself up for missing, for not being in tune with my daughter or my wife's needs.  Sometimes I worry to much as Tina tells me, I just give her a little snort and smile and say probably.  But this is a fear I have, of seeing those I care for doing without.

Yesterday was a hard one because I told my wife another truth,  truth about what woke me up and started me on this journey.  Why I did something stupid, something very very stupid.  She still doesn't understanding, mostly because of the fear of losing me.  I am not going anywhere, I don't have plans to go anywhere.  No one would put up with my sh@t.(Smile)  I am here in the now and hope I will be here in the future.  I started reading the Mayo Clinic Diet book and the first few pages spoke exactly what I was doing with this journey, I needed a reason, a reason so compelling that it would drive me each morning to get out of my comfy bed to take a 20 minute painful walk and then swim in a dark cold pool.  That reason for me was one simple word, embarrassment.  That is what drives me right now.  I made a promise to myself and I fear the embarrassment of failure in others eyes.  I know, I  know, my wife already said this to me, "If they are truly are your friends/loved ones then they would accept as you are now."  And you probably would, I surely hope so, but I need to do this because of something that happened that Sunday night, August 5th, before it all start, something that scared me, something that woke my soul from a long long sleep.  Maybe I will tell you in the future, maybe I wont.  I don't know.  Know this, I am compelled, driven, motivated to lose this weight before Christmas of 2013.

Remember, you can comment or tell me "I am full of sh*t" either here, FaceBook, or email me at MrWertGumby@aol.com.