I don't care at this point who reads this or who doesn't and who I piss off.  This blog is really for me to get the words out of my head and into reality.  I will be able to look back to now and see where I was from the future when I am either siting in shit or a happy place.  So if you don't like what you read here then I would suggest you stop reading my blog.  I can't be happy with someone else's dream of what should make me happy.  It doesn't work like that, never has and never will.  I thought I had a vague plan of how I want to get where I believed my happiness was only to have it pointed out that there is no hope for my slightest dream.  No hope. wow.  I am a sad creature, aren't I?  No matter the hopelessness of it all, I have to continue on with this new life, there has to be happiness somewhere out there for me.

Happiness . . . What makes me happy?  That's big question on my mind.  I have ideas what will make me happy but most are pipe dreams.  Should I chase those dreams?  Do I take a chance for once in my life?  Do I just go for it? Try for the brass ring?  Reach out and try to grasp that dream or do I play it safe and be not happy?  Life is full of choices each day and we make the small ones without thinking much about them.  It's the bigger ones that we don't like to make, those that take us into new territory.  It's the fear of that new territory that often keeps us from making the right choice.  I have so often feared that new unknown territory and have lost out on some really great adventures I feel. I don't want to pass from this world regretting the biggest thing I know would make me happy.  I can't, I shouldn't.  I have to at least try.  I have to step out there and at least try for that brass ring or my life has been for not.  So if I get hit by the oncoming train, I can at least say I tried.  That's all anyone can do . . . is try for their true happiness.

I still believe in myself.  I still believe in this type of self-journey one is allowed to be selfish; it's the only way one can have the determination to get to the end of this fat, unhappy, painful journey.

I know she won't be there in the end so don't piss on my parade!